Sunday, February 17, 2013

From Shortchanging to Self-Worth


  • So, this is what it is... 

  • I never understood my self-worth until someone else saw it in me... and acted on it. When I decided that I wanted a better life with better relationships and I wanted more for myself, I treated myself like I was worthy of it and gave myself better. I even left certain people and certain types of people alone. All it did was manifest greater things and people for myself... 

  • Mr. Wonderful has pretty much made Valentine’s Day into Valentine's month. We went to Braselton, GA yesterday as a very spontaneous surprise. First we were going to a raceway up there but we changed our minds. Little did I know that after that he planned to take me to Chateau Elan- a vineyard and resort in that area. He knows I love wine and it was exciting. We had lunch at the pub and then after that we went to their wine tasting. He was such a gentleman. 

  • When we left he asked me a very important question: "So it didn't take much for you to give it up to the busted ass niggas before me?" I thought, huh? What did that mean? I always thought I had fun in my twenties even up to before I met him. I felt like I was in control of my life and I enjoyed myself according to what I wanted to do. He went on to mentioned how puzzled he was with the fact that I never had a man "spending money on me." In other words invest in me as a jewel- making him earn my time with him. Then I realized how before I met him, I really shortchanged myself to spend time with pieces of shit. 

  • When I say pieces of shit I don't mean bums (at least with everyone). I have spent time with men who either were doing it big in their lives or were on their way. I also hung out with broke ass men because I didn't want to come off as a bitch. But ultimately they were pieces of shit because they didn’t see my worth. They saw pussy. They saw free ass. They saw a cool chick, but they didn’t see a woman, a lady, a queen, a goddess, an image of divinity. 

  • I attracted it to myself because I didn't see that in me. I never thought about let alone believed it. I would’ve taken myself to Chateau Elan because I felt I was worth treating myself. However, it’s different when someone else takes you because they loved and wants to see you smile. I realized that no matter how much you give of yourself to someone else, it means nothing if you are worth nothing to them. Some would question how I carried myself. 

  • I remember when one person told me that putting sex in the forefront of my writings would never attract a respectable man that would want me. A man, that I fucked, told me that. What a wake-up call. 

  • Since those days I didn’t really change much accept how I thought. I still act a fool, joke, cuss like a sailor, go to the bar and have a few drinks. I still flirt with Mr. Wonderful like we just met yesterday- I even pinch his nipples sometimes (people who know me well would giggle at this. I used to pinch random nipples). 

  • Some have tried to say I carried myself like a hoe, which is funny considering many of them were actually hoes. If I had a penny for every piece of dick I turned down I’d have another investment account. However, I changed what I thought about myself. I learned that it is okay to set a standard where I can date a man with a career and not just a job. I can date a man that pays on dates. I can date a man who brings me roses. I can date a man that can treat me like gold. Some would say its gold digging. Fine. It’s gold digging. But I would rather do what you call gold digging than chase hood rats. 

  • Here is my point. I am mother, even without child. I am a sister. I am a wife, even though I’m not married. I am the feminine essence, the yin connected with yang. I am divine. Call it conceited and arrogant if you want to, but before I met Mr. Wonderful, I really settled for below what I deserved and what I was really worth. 

  • Mr. Wonderful made me promise that if we part ways that I do better in the choices of men I associate myself with. He said do not get someone that is going to use you for sex and will not treat you as good as I do if not better. He said that I hold a beauty that a real man is not only going to be attracted to, but he will also want to cherish and treasure it. 

  • He wasn't flossing from taking me to Chateau Elan. He was celebrating the beauty he saw in me and expressing his appreciation that I opened up a space in my reality for him to be in. I remember one guy I used to “fuck with.” I invited him to the National Black Arts Festival after-party a few years ago and he declined. He would come over once in a while or I would go to his house and do the do but we never did anything else. I figured an invitation to hang out to lead up to more “doing” would be exciting. A few months later he told me he felt he didn’t have to do it because he felt like since he was already “getting it” from me that he didn’t have to “work for it.” I was floored, but what do you expect. I didn’t get mad, but I needed to break some shit down. 

  • I told him that no one has ever said that to me, but for what its worth I am not an object for you to work for. I am a gift, and even though it will not go further than sex, I can potentially be the mother of your child. I accept the responsibility of putting me out there to only be his whore, but even then respect was automatically given and expected. He apologized and said he never saw it like that before. I said be mindful that next woman you engage in sex without commitment is giving you her time, energy, and her being that you didn’t work for or earned. 

  • A man that takes you out, opens the door for you, treats you like a lady, buys you flowers, takes you on romantic trips, discusses the future with you that involves the two of you being together is a man that sees and appreciates your worth, even if you don’t see it. It don’t matter what you did in your past and how much you shortchanged yourself with the frogs you kissed. When I look back, I wish I was a virgin and saved it for this guy mainly because of the fact that there were men who knew better, but didn’t do better. I mean, if you want to be a sex goddess, more power to you. That’s what I was. Even then, there was a standard that has to be set. I at least made sure he had a job, but I realize I needed more than that. 

  • In a world of DNA test scandals and baby mother/father drama, STD’s, and unfortunate incidences that we never ask for in our lives, as woman and men we don’t and shouldn’t have time for bullshit. You know, bullshit like not going on dates, not valuing another person’s time, messing up their credit, burning another person with a disease. No one should ever have time for that. One thing I know for sure is that if I was bold enough and crazy enough to lie down with you without a formal date, then you need to be even more respectful that I just gave you something precious that is worth more than the nut you desire to obtain from it. Unfortunately, stupidity is running rampant in our society- it’s an epidemic. 

  •  Even last night, I received a text from a guy who I haven’t seen in a few years. He has been consistently texting me in the middle of the night. At first I was ignoring them, but they were really bothering me. Well, Mr. Wonderful was laying next to me when I received a text at about 3am. I told him before that I have a man now and he needs to be respectful and not text me at all hours of the night. He text me last night anyway. I told him to never text me again because he has no respect for me. I told him don’t even reply to what I am saying, but he can inbox me online. He text me back anyway and even called me. I was furious. 

  • Mr. Wonderful was calm and said do not allow that to get to me and to rise above it. I wasn’t hearing that. I was going to call him and cuss him out Madea style. You know, go back to my old ways. I even called him the next day and left him a nasty voicemail. Then I realized that I would only welcome more bs with the energy I gave it. 

  • Ladies, there is nothing wrong with requiring more. There is nothing wrong with it at all. To keep a fire burning you have to keep adding wood and in some cases fire starters to make it last much longer. The pussy will not stay wet for long just because he was cute. After a while that shit gets boring and all you’ll see is him being a walking dud. Suddenly you think all men are dogs because that’s all your getting. Get some flea cleaner and a pooper scooper and clean up how you think about yourself. Even if you just want an attentive listener, you deserve that. A man will do what it takes to be what you need because he doesn’t want another man to replace him, especially when the douchebag is beneath everything he is. 

  • Gentlemen, treat a lady like a lady, even when she doesn’t see it. Respect her even if she is a piece of ass. Respect her wishes as she respects yours. Don’t complain of her being a bitch when you’re another dog she’s laying with. Don’t get mad when she gets tired of your ass. Don’t even try to play into her acting like a hoe. No matter how she carries herself, you still have a reputation to uphold for yourself. If you treat her like a hoe even while she acts as one you’re just as bad as a trick. Be a man in every situation. Don’t fret over whatever protection you feel women have compared to men. God is your provider and protector and Father/Mother God will take care of you. 

  • The guys I dealt with were pieces of shit, but they were a reflection of what was on the inside of me that I was unknowingly receiving. It took me changing my mind and thoughts about me and a good man who in his imperfections celebrates me even in my ugliness. Your outer world will always be a reflection of what your inner world looks like. There is no such thing as having standards that are too high, but there is such a thing as being too above your own problems and mishaps in your life. Your standards are a reflection of you, but question why you set them. Are they based on truth or based on the ugliness within you that you want to continue to cover up? 

  • End of the day, know that you are worthy of far greater than what you receive for yourself. Just know that to get what you desire or feel you deserve, it starts on the inside of you. Life is an inside job and will only change when you start in the invisible aspects of your self.