Sunday, November 10, 2013

Introducing Kitty Pride the Sexologist

·         The day before I wrote this, I was in a coffee shop sipping some mint tea and taking care of several tasks on my computer. Now, I happen to have a downloaded application to attend a training with Dr. Patti Britton for clinical sexology and was going back and forth between that and my “vision document” where I was typing things that I see myself doing in the near future. My vision document included sex education seminars, events, and my completed and future education that I plan to pursue. I was just minding my business like I usually do.
·         Well, this guy standing over me happen to notice my laptop, or so he says. I knew what he was looking at. He was looking at what I was typing and how I was going back and forth between these documents as well as some PDF files for research that I’ve been doing. He began asking about my laptop and where I got it from as if he was so fascinated by it. I knew what he was looking at, but I played along anyway. Then my documents were brought up, somehow. I don’t even remember how it came into our discussion.
·         He was attractive. I’m not sure of his ethnicity, but who cares- he obviously has a penis. I told him about how I am working on my second book and proceeds to ask me about it. Then he is curious as to what I do. I told him I am currently completing my undergrad in psychology and plan to become a sex coach next year as well as plans to train in clinical sexology in a few months. Of course he says the inevitable as a response: “I know you have some freakiness penned up inside of you somewhere.” I laughed while rolling my eyes.
·         If I would have said I’m going to medical school, he probably would have been a bit intimidated by me. If I would have said I’m a school teacher, he probably would have asked for my number. Since I said that I’m a sexologist with plans to become a sex therapist, OH SHIT! I don’t know what he was thinking other than he was talking to a “freak.”
·         The irony behind all this is that I started studying sex from the last place anyone would ever think to check- the Bible. I grew up in church and my father happens to be a pastor. I just wanted to know why we had to wait to have sex when we were married. That’s it. The only thing I found was that marriage, sex, and love was often translated from the same word in the Greek and Hebrew language- something that increased my curiosity. I was 20 years old and engaged at the time. I just wanted to know why it was such a big deal for the church to make sure people waited until after saying “I do” to have sex.
·         Anyway, I knew this was the career for me when I discovered there was such thing as sexology. Sexology just means study of sex- that’s it. This means that I have capacity to be an educator, researcher, counselor, and even therapist if I want based on scientific research on sex. Sexology is a scientific field which means that it is more than just teaching people how to give head. It is a broad field that spans from sexual deviancies to sex education in schools to medicine to psychology.
·         We live in a society that is obsessed with sex and we suppress it at the same damn time. I’m not about to go get into this because it is so redundant to speak on it, but it’s the truth. I will say this: it’s not that serious. Sex is just as important for your health as your diet. You get horny like you get hungry and it’s not because there is something wrong with you. You get horny because that is the physiological processes that your body has. It’s not temptation. It’s not being slutty. It’s not being pathetic. It’s life- that’s it.
·         Basically people want to pen their sexual insecurities on me as if I have all the answers and the most extravagant sex life that they’ve NEVER seen. I can feel that energy of some of the people that reads this- reading my blogs just to have a reason hate me. I didn’t even fuck you and you hate me like I hit it and quit it. Either way, I can read through your fascination of my so-called “sexual prowess” and confidence that you say I have. I see right through you curiosity. I also see through your adverse attitudes and disapproval. The ones that hate the most are the ones with the nastiest minds and they are living their lives with no authenticity.
·         Thus the reason for my chosen career. My name is LeKeisha anyway (since that seems to be the stereotypical name for a freak). I’ve been there and done that- my second book is almost done on it. Most importantly people need to be educated and guided- at least people that give a damn about their own destiny. Sex is obviously powerful which is why there is such a crazy response I get when I say that I am a sexologist. I’m not even calling myself an expert because I don’t know everything. I just know enough about it where I know it is something that is worth studying for years to come.

·         I appreciate all the love, hate, shock, and curiosity I receive from people off the street. It lets me know that I’m doing the right thing. Now I know it’s been a while since I’ve been on here with a new blog, but I promise that I will be coming with some heat soon. Right now, I’m completing my studies, getting ready for my trainings, and completing a book that I actually started around early summer 2013. When you see me in the street or on social media say what’s up and show some love. If you have a question inbox me. If you have a complaint, holla at me. If you want to hate, make sure you do it in my face- be real about your shit. Trust me- I will be real about mine. Until next time…

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Sex: The Ability to Make A Difference

  • I didn't know what I was going to write about this time. For the last few months I've been posting academic papers because it was just appropriate for this blog. This month I feel a need to share a very rewarding and interesting experience that I have had in this area.

  • I just completed Fertility Massage training over this past weekend before I wrote this with Claire Marie Miller- a veteran in the massage therapy industry and the creator of this modality. I had an awesome time and learned so much. it was a prayer answered because I have been wanting to find a way to combine my massage therapy craft to help people with sexual healing.

  • Over the weekend, after trial and error, have my own release, and practicing on my guy, I realized something about sex that is often not talked about. Sex is not just about getting pregnant. It's not just about having an orgasm (or busting a nut for those who use this lingo). Its not about just pleasure alone. Its definitely nothing shameful or embarrassing.

  • For the first time, I felt like a WOMAN. Not that I didn't know or feel it before, but I can feel my woman-ness as nature intended- whole and satisfied. I felt it from within- not just through my vagina and not through intercourse. I felt it through the real me, the invisible me that is hidden like a pearl in a clam. I felt myself open up like a lotus flower in the Nile River among muddy waters. Even while with my boo, I saw him in a different light- he really truly is my warrior king. And I felt all this before we made love.

  • You can only imagine what sex was like after my first session and after my guy's first session when I practiced in him. It was beyond any love song created. The only thing that seemed to feel right was to make a baby. We used condoms, though. It's just not time yet. :)

  • I felt pleasure and pain become one. Yin and Yang. Sun and Moon. Light and Dark. I felt it all become completely one. There was absolutely no duality throughout the weekend and even since then. 

  • It dawned on me what sex was all about. Sex is the ability to bring opposing forces together and make them one again to create and manifest a gift for the universe to experience in this realm. Sex unites energy to create more energy and manifest it in tangible form. Sex distinguishes two entities and still brings them together to show how they were always one and the same.

  • Everything began to make sense to me. The pleasure and pain in relationships, in development, and even in childbirth. It all makes sense even while its doesn't make any sense. The only way to understand it is to walk in your natural element and your total healing.

  • Meanwhile, after posting about my new gift to offer people as a massage therapist, I began receiving emails from various people and began having conversations with people. Many people are sexual but have reproductive issues that would blow your mind. Some cannot menstrate, but bleeds after sex. Some have experienced multiple miscarriages. Some have had painful periods and endometriosis. Some have painful sex. Some have premature ejaculation. Some have shame from a traumatic past. Some feel inadequate to be a good lover. Both men and women started sharing their stories and asking if I can help them.

  • I understand my calling now. Sure erotic shit is always fun, but there has to be purpose behind what I do. No matter what, sex is supposed to also heal and reveal their wholeness. Disease, hurt, trauma, and unfortunate life events create a pattern of sexual dysfunction, disorder, shame, and embarrassment instead of the bliss and blessing that sex is supposed to bring.

  • This is not a time to just talk about voyeurism, sex toys, exhibitionism, pornography, sex clubs, eroticism, hedonism, erotic stories, etc. In fact, if this is all we have to talk about when it comes to sex, then we continue to pervert what sex is really all about. There has to be balance. People need healing, not just a nut. Because after the nut comes life and the reality in it that people deal with everyday. After your partner leaves, you still have to deal with the pain that many continue to suffer silently. No disrespect to all my erotic folks out there, but we need to reprioritize why we do what we do. Just because you are comfortable in your sexuality doesn't mean your healed and it doesn't mean your whole. Talking about sex comfortably doesn't do anything but show you can talk about it publicly without blushing. Are you making a difference in someone's life? Your vanity and desire to be the next whoever may make people horny, but its not making people wake up to their sexual selves.

  • (Sighing) Now that I have all that out of my system let me talk further about the things I have coming up:
  1. Fertility Massage- I am officially certified now. This treatment is for men and women regardless of background and sexual orientation. It is not just for those having fertility issues. It is for those who need overall healing in their life. It is perfect for those suffering from any reproductive issue known and unknown. Its great for couples and singles with a great sex life who want to add some more spice into.
  2. Teen SECS (Sex Education Community Solutions)- a dialogue for teens old enough to talk about sex and have questions, comments, and concerns. There is a unique curriculum that allows teens to be able to question and comment freely with nothing censored as if they are talking to their friends. It will give teens a chance to understand sex for what it is supposed to be. It is open to any teen regardless of background.
  3. Pregnancy Massage & Doula Services- This is for anyone who is pregnant and need extra support. Perfect to have throughout pregnancy into the postpartum period. I will massage and guide you throughout your pregnancy, labor, and when you bring your bundle of joy home. 
  • So this is my contribution to the universe and all the people that is part of it. Midwifery will be next followed by Sex Therapy. I am so excited to assist people with their healing overall. Join me.

  • Thanks for reading as always! See you next month :)

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Sex Personality: The Personology of Sexuality

Here's my senior paper on sex and personality. Enjoy! 

Sexual Personality: The Personology of Sex
LeKeisha Jones
Applied Project
Dr. Laurie Pumphrey
July 1, 2013
Ashford University

This paper will discuss all the possible ways that sexuality and personality are directly interrelated. Although there is a lack of studies in the area of sexuality, the researcher carefully selected peer-reviewed articles that discuss how sexuality has been shaped based on personality tied in with behavior, cognition, and environmental factors. The researcher has found that sexual performance and behavior is part of an individual’s personality- an area of the human experience that is developed by consciousness and environmental factors. In essence, to have satisfaction in one’s sex life, it must start with the awareness of satisfaction and must feel satisfied with life as a whole. Great sex does not come from physical skill, but from mental ability and attitude. Likewise, having a great sex life can have a positive effect in every other area in life. Even with this in mind, it is suggested by the researcher based on what has been researched that the beginning of a great sex life will be to have positive personality traits and mindset.


Sex Personality: The Personology of Sexuality
Most sex research, in the researcher’s opinion, seems to be more about attraction, function, and performance in many cases, although there are not many research studies devoted to sex. With this notion, studying the ties between sexuality and personality is a study that requires more creativity and critical thought. It has been discovered through careful study and research that sexuality and personality are directly relational to each other and that there should be more consideration that personality sets the foundation for sex itself. Personality does not shape sexual preference or orientation, but it can create mental ability for the actual performance and pleasure of copulation itself. Sex is believed to begin in the mind and copulation can be effected and/or have an effect on mental processes that are present during physical intercourse. The purpose of this paper is to prove that not only can sex affect a person in a positive or negative way, it is also the personality that molds sexual response, performance, and fulfillment even during copulation.
Personality needs to be understood in order to understand a person’s sexual satisfaction. In fact, the researcher firmly believes that sexual performance and response is a reflection of the 9individual’s personality which starts in consciousness or awareness of the self. In fact, consciousness is who we are in our awareness (Tononi, 2008). When a person is conscious, they are aware of what they like, don’t like, hunger, emotions, and even body temperature. If a person says “I am hot” then they have an awareness in their current temperature. Better yet, if a person says “I am horny” there is an awareness that they want sex. So before there is copulation, there has to be a want, need, or desire for it and consciousness is its entryway.
Consciousness is everything that we are and we cannot exist without it (Tononi, 2008). It’s impossible to exist without consciousness because without it we couldn’t exist. The idea of consciousness is often associated with Mind-Body Dualism theory when discussing personality and the role it plays in life. Created by Rene Descartes, this theory states that the mind and the body are separate and will never be unified (Mehta, 2011). If they are separate, then it would imply that the mind exists even without the body. The researcher views this as a way of personifying the mind rather than just viewing the mind a system that only functions in the body.
Mind and body makes a person who they are and the mind (where consciousness comes from) is what determines the character of a person (Cohen & Barrett, 2008). So if consciousness is in the mind and mind is separate from the body, then the body is not needed to make a person want sex initially. If sex starts in the mind, then what happens in the body, from the body, and to the body is the outcome. The awareness for sexual behaviors and feelings starts in mind and displayed through not only their performance and functioning, it is also displayed through the character of a person. When there is initial attraction, a person may opt to give their object of affection flowers, a massage, a kiss, or some form of erotic touch. Likewise, based on consciousness, a person may have sexual feelings that are inappropriate and can lead to unfortunate practices and abuse. Consciousness itself reveals desire for sex and their character shows how they actually would get it.
Personality can be displayed through traits, which is where we get character from. The 5 Model Theory- Personality Traits (OCEAN) is one model that gives a description of common personality traits. The five main personality traits that individuals have according to this theory includes Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism (Raynor & Levine, 2009). This model draws interest to the researcher based on the idea that it is a major predictor of behaviors as proven in one study (Raynor & Levine, 2009). If personality predicts behavior, the researcher believes that sexual behavior would also be included. In fact, a study also revealed that higher levels of conscientiousness improved safer sexual behavior (Raynor & Levine, 2009). This idea is convincing considering that having a conscientious personality trait would imply that a person is responsible and considerate.
Now that personality has been defined through what consciousness and character would be, there is room for explanation as to how patterns of behavior and traits are developed. Sex starts in the mind and it is in the mind where cognition also lies. Normal and abnormal sexual behavior relies on the cognition of an individual.  Most sexual issues that people suffer from stem from psychological issues that have developed from life experiences (Bagcioglu, et al., 2012). In fact, sexual function as a whole is based on cognition and emotion rather than skill or performance itself. Even before the performance, functioning, and symptoms can be questioned, the psychological state must be examined. A man that is unable to have an erection or a woman with a low libido correlates and develops from a psychological issue. The issues can range from minor anxiety, stress, or a past traumatic experience.
Some experiences that people suffer from have very unfortunate consequences. For example: women that have suffered from childhood sexual abuse are statistically 1.73 times more likely to developed sexual dysfunction (Camuso & Remini, 2010). If psychological issues develop from life experiences which in turn develops sexual dysfunction, then cognition played a major role in the sexual and behavioral development. Consciousness is awareness of a person’s sexual behavior while cognition is what creates the pattern of sexual behavior and personality.  Between cognition and behavior, an individual has control over their sexual desires and performance just by changing their mind and their attitude. The personality traits are the result of cognition and behavior and it takes being conscious of cognitive and behavioral patterns in order to develop different traits.
Since it has been established that personality are a major part of having optimal or unfortunate sexual results, then it is assumed that this is a variable to determine the satisfaction of a person’s sex life as well as its functioning. There have been a few studies conducted that proved that men can voluntarily control their sexual arousal (Winters, et al., 2009). The researcher has personally heard of ideas that men, specifically, cannot control their erections and arousal, however this study has proven that to not be true. Considering that sex has been deemed to start in the mind in this research paper, this would mean that even arousal can be mentally controlled by an individual. It would take a practice to reformulate the cognitive ability of a person’s sexual response.
Another study was conducted on metacognition and sexuality. In this study, the people observed the “thoughts behind their thoughts” as a result of sexual dysfunction and it was proven that anxiety and other mental issues were the cause of sexual dysfunction (Bagcioglu, et al., 2012). This is not to say that physical ailments cannot be symptomatic, however these accepted thoughts are said to be the reason why they were not able to perform sexually. As mentioned earlier, cognition is what creates patterns of behavior, even when it comes to sex. So if a person continues to hold the thought that they are inadequate in bed eventually they will see a results of not being able to adequately perform. If a person holds a fearful thought long enough, then they can develop anxiety and eventually a disorder where they would have a hard time building up the desire to have sexual relations.
When a person holds positive or negative thoughts that form sexual function or dysfunction, eventually form certain traits- some traits being subtle while others are more obvious. One example of this is based on a study on sexual conservatism. The concept of sexual conservatism, which applies to men and women, is based on the idea that a particular person can only engage with a certain type of person and perform certain sex acts, deeming certain things and people as inappropriate (Zurbriggen, 2011). In fact, people who fall under this category can only be satisfied based on these principles. This idea comes from implicit motives, which is considered to be a very important component of personality (Zurbriggen, 2011).
Implicit motives is more closely associated with operant behaviors and has no association with conscious awareness because it looks more at the trends of behaviors rather than the source of it (Zurbriggen, 2011). In fact, when it comes to sexuality, implicit motives would relate to hormones such as testosterone, estradiol, and progesterone because they underlie sexual behavior from a biological standpoint (Zurbriggen, 2011).With sexual conservatism, there is a particular look, thought pattern, sex act(s), appearance, status, etc. that would determine if a person is sexually motivating and desirable. Their decision in their partner(s) are based on these guidelines only and failure to meet them would mean there will be no form of sexual activity or even arousal.
The motivation of people who look at status, appearance, and other specific variables are based on operant behavior because it is believed that there is a consequence if they ever associate themselves with someone who does not meet required standards. This is because implicit motives are concerned with broad desires and goals, according to the same study (Zurbriggen, 2011). If a person has a desire to have a close relationship with their sexual partner, they may have more monogamous traits and would seek a person with similar goals and desires. If they meet someone that have opposing values and traits that do not support have a close, monogamous relationship then there would not be any attraction. So values, morals, beliefs, and other underline areas determine what arouses a person sexually. The researcher does not see this as unfortunate, however it proves that biases develop based on what a person considers as attractive and acceptable.
Developed by Burt (1980) according to this study, sexual conservatism actually promotes double standards between men and woman (Zurbriggen, 2011). It promotes the idea that it is inappropriate for a woman to be highly sexual and completely acceptable for a man to be as sexualized as he desires to be (Zurbriggen, 2011). Because of this operant idea, people are conditioned to be as sexual as this idea allows based on the fact that each person who follows this wants to be a desirable partner. So sexual performance and outcome is based on the cognitive state a person is in developing personality traits that creates a particular standard of what is considered tolerable and allowable sexuality. People are satisfied sexually based on the number of partners they have (or never had), the experiences they had (or never had), and based on the sexual acts they perform (or refuse to perform).
Even though it is mainly a cognitive idea, personality traits are developed due to implicit motives because, again, a person is considered desirable even based on their outward behavior. Their behavior speaks about their sexual personality or who they are when it comes to their personal sexuality. Unfortunately, there are not many studies on implicit motives and how it ties in with sexual behavior, even though it greatly influences sexual behavior (Zurbriggen, 2011). The researcher suggests that the reason for the lack of research is probably because most studies on sex are based on superficial variables such as attraction and sexual dysfunctions that result as symptoms of other ailments and illnesses.
With personality being a broad area of study when it comes to the human experience, every type of person wants to achieve satisfaction in their life, including their sex life. Just like personality can outline a person’s sexual behavior and performance, having a healthy sex life can be mentally healthy and satisfying for an individual. In fact, having a great sex life can impact a person’s satisfaction and happiness (Lofrisco, 2011). First, achieving a healthy sex life will require consciousness or awareness the individual has of themselves. One needs to evaluate if they are happy overall. If they’re not happy then it needs to be evaluated as to why they are not happy, especially when it comes to their sex life. In laymen’s terms- even if a person is good in bed, if you are unable to enjoy it or be fulfilled there is an underline reason why the experience is not fulfilling that stems from what has been stimulated in the mind.
There needs to also be an awareness of their current sexual state and be able to confront it in order to change or repair any dysfunction they may be suffering from. This is why cognitive therapy is just as important as medical attention based on the fact that many sexual dysfunctions and disorders come from non-physical factors. In fact, it is mentioned in a study on female sexual pain disorders and cognitive therapy that sexual pain disorders in men and women are listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed., text rev. [DSM–IV–TR]; American Psychiatric Association [APA], 2000) as either dyspareunia or vaginismus (Lofrisco, 2011). This is important to understand because when dealing with sexual dysfunction, not only do the physical processes need treatment, but the cognitive processes must also be addressed.
Physically, copulation (or the lack of) is the result and the afterthought of the sexual experience in human beings. Sex starts in the mind and personality can determine sexual traits of an individual. If a person feels and thinks they are not fulfilled in life, their sexual experiences- no matter how optimal the performances may seem- will not be fulfilling. Eventually, through cognitive variables, people who have undesirable life experiences, emotions, and even traumas can eventually develop sexual disorders and dysfunctions. If a person has positive traits, they will have positive sexual experiences. These sexual traits are molded by implicit motives that a person has when it comes to their desired sex life. Whatever is considered desirable or undesirable are subjective to a person’s cognitive development and the personality traits that they display. This can be considered the underline reference of how a person performs and functions sexually even without ever engaging in sexual activity with them.
Regardless of one’s belief system of sex, it is conclusive to say that knowing yourself is the first step to a satisfying sex life. Throughout the research presented in this paper, it has been proven that the standard of sex is not based on performance, but with the mind. Performance alone may be good, but it is the personality that makes it fulfilling and satisfying. Consciousness plays a key role in developing sexual personality because it brings awareness of the person’s experience. Cognition is what creates the pattern and blueprint of sexual experiences which can be developed by personality and even develop the personality traits themselves. Although having a great sex life can promote a more healthy, balanced life overall, having a healthy mind can breed healthy personality which can result in a healthy sexual experience. In conclusion, being aware of the self, developing a healthy personality breeds healthy sexuality for the individual which in turn will result in optimal sexual performance and function.

Bagcioglu, E., Altunoluk, B., Bez, Y., Soylemez, H., Asik, A., & Emul, M. (2012). Metacognition
            in patients with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Journal of Cognitive and
            Behavioral Psychotherapies, 12(1), 77-84. Retrieved from Ebscohost.
Camuso, J., & Rellini, A. (2010). Sexual fantasies and sexual arousal in women with a history of
childhood sexual abuse. Sexual & Relationship Therapy, 25(3), 275-288.
Doi: 10.1080/14681994.2010.494649. Retrieved from Ebscohost.
Cohen, E. & Barrett, J. (2008). When minds migrate: conceptualizing spirit possession. Journal
Of Cognition & Culture, 8(1/2), 23-48. Doi:10.111163/156770908X289198. Retrieved
from Ebscohost.
Lofrisco, B. M. (2011). Female sexual pain disorders and cognitive behavioral therapy. Journal of
            Sex Research, 48(6), 573-579. Doi: 10.1080/00224499.2010.540682. Retrieved from
Mehta, N. (2011). Mind-body dualism: a critique from a health perspective. Mens Sana
Monographs, 9(1), 202-209. doi: Retrieved
from Ebscohost.
Raynor, D. A., & Levine, H. (2009). Associations between the Five-Factor Model of Personality
and health behaviors among college students. Journal of American College Health, 58(1),
73-81. Retrieved from Ebscohost.
Tononi, G. (2008). Consciousness as integrated information: a provisional manifesto. The
            Biological Bulletin, 215(3), 216-42. Retrieved from ProQuest.
Zurbriggen, E. L. (2011). Implicit motives and sexual conservatism as predictors of sexual
behaviors. The Journal of Social Psychology, 151(5), 535-555. Retrieved from Ebscohost.
Winters, J., Christoff, K., & Gorzalka, B. B. (2009). Conscious regulation of sexual arousal in
men. Journal of Sex Research, 46(4), 330-343. Doi: 10.1080/00224490902754103.

Retrieved from Ebscohost.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Anxiety and How It Effects Sexual Function and Performance

  •  This was just written for a final paper for a bio-psychology classes I just finished. I am touching on sexual anxiety and how it is formed in the brain and manifests in your bedroom. Enjoy!

Anxiety and How It Effects Sexual Function and Performance
  • Sex starts in the mind. As much as it is considered a purely physical entity in the human experience, the researcher has found supporting evidence that sexual function is a mental function. There are neurons and neurotransmitters in the brain that supports every function in the human body. Because it is a bio-psychological entity in the opinion of the researcher, then it is possible for people to suffer from sexual dysfunction, especially when it stems from anxiety. Anxiety, being a very broad and general area of mental illness, can range from simple fears to a serious traumatic experience and has been a proven common denominator of sexual dysfunction and disorders. One thing that is for sure about anxiety is that it effects sexual function that must be addressed further to understand, educate, and discover possible treatments in regards to its bio-psychological process in individuals who seek to have satisfying and fulfilled relationships.
  • Anxiety is a fear-based disorder that expands from the simplest phobias to the most pivotal mental illnesses. In fact, fear is the main cause of anxiety even though it can be as simple as mild trepidation and to be as extreme as acute terror (Lefrancois, 2011). Fear is a negative emotion as everyone should know considering everyone has experienced it in some capacity. In fact, William James and Carl Lange discussed emotion in what has become known as the James-Lange Theory of Emotion which states that “a stimulus produces a psychological response and a physiological response produces an emotion” (Wilson, 2012). Sexually, this could mean that a person could have a particular negative experience that would cause them to be sexually dysfunctional. A stimulus to a man or woman could be that they are sexually assaulted which could produce anxiety causing them to not be able to perform sexually due to the fear of being raped again. Another stimulus would be hearing from a partner that they are not adequate in bed which could lead to lack of confidence and out of fear of inadequacy would not be able to perform sexually as they could.
  • People naturally will fear many things and there are many ways people develop anxiety because of this. In regards to a sexual relationship, a person could have what they consider to be a poor performance due to their past relationships that may have gone wrong. For example, a man may under-perform or even over-perform because he is insecure about his size based on hearing from previous partners the same complaints that continue to playback in his mind over and over again creating a pattern in the brain. It has been determined that there are specific brain waves that create undesirable results when it comes to functioning from the brain as a whole (Cleary, 2011). This is how having anxiety creates the possibility that people will develop sexual dysfunction. Sexual anxiety disorder, for example, develops in a man or woman due to fear which causes them to completely avoid sexual experiences as a whole (Brotto, 2009).
  • The brain is a major part of the nervous system in the human body and it contains neurons which are cells that transport communication throughout the nervous system (Wilson, 2012). Neurons create neurotransmitters which are chemicals that communicate through a junction between at least two neurons- a process also known as a synapse (Wilson, 2012). It is synonymous to a car battery in a car that provides electricity for all the electrical functions of the car (lights, stereo, etc.). To understand further how the brain functions when it comes to sexuality there needs to be an understanding of what neurotransmitters operate specifically for sexual function.
  • Nitric oxide (NO) has been discovered to be the main neurotransmitter that is in charge of sexual function although anxiety affects the entire brain chemistry in many different ways that can lead to sexual dysfunctions and disorders. First discovered in 1987 while acetylcholine, another prevalent neurotransmitter that produced dilation of blood vessels when this neurotransmitter was present, nitric oxide (NO) is also involved in our ability to eat, learning, memory, and aggressive behaviors along with sexual function (Wilson, 2012). The interesting thing behind this neurotransmitter is that it is involved in areas outside of just the physical aspect of sex which can lead to possible hypothesis and theories on how diet, exercise, traumatic experiences, and cognition can all relate to our sexual experiences.
  • It seems as if nitric oxide is available when acetylcholine is present at least when blood vessels are being dilated. Acetylcholine is a neurotransmitter found throughout the entire central nervous system and is also responsible for several functions in the body- one function including reducing anxiety in an individual (Wilson, 2012). Considering acetylcholine is involved with several functions in the body, perhaps a lack of it can also effect nitric oxide levels or even the use of it which can potentially effect sexual function. Low levels of nitric oxide causes sexual dysfunction while low levels of acetylcholine causes an increase of anxiety.
  • While sex is something that everyone will encounter directly and indirectly, anxiety is becoming more common causing many different disorders that are being untreated. Because of this, even sexual functioning is becoming more and more difficult among the general population as a result of poor self-esteem leading to having a much stronger anxiety in individuals (Nelson & Purdon, 2011). There is no clear indication of a specific group or sex that suffers from sexual dysfunction as a result of anxiety, but it has been proven that it effects the general population regardless of status, race, gender or sex. In fact, the initial research that was considered for this paper was dependent on studies unrelated to sexual function specifically but dealt with sexual dysfunction as a symptom that effects the general population.
  • The researcher believes that many of our relationship issues, even sexual ones, can come from experiences from childhood. In fact, a study claims that children with extreme shyness can actually grow up to have extreme anxiety disorders, including social anxiety disorder (Burstein, 2012). Due to the fact that many people grow up with a poor self-image of themselves and low self-esteem, it is effecting their adult relationships that includes how they make love to their mate. This can be commonly seen with people who have been victims of childhood sexual abuse, but it is not limited to just that. A man who is made fun of for being too short may grow up to feel inadequate to his lover. Likewise, a woman could have been teased as a child and become very promiscuous or lack in her libido.
  • Additionally, the researcher believes that sexual disorders and dysfunctions result from anxiety which can be considered an environmental factor because it stems from what people experience rather than genetics. Many people grow up with fears and never let them go and in many cases the fears will become either very serious or minute depending on what they do in regards to their mental health. Unfortunately, anxiety disorders often go undetected and untreated even in primary care settings (McGrandles & Duffy, 2012). Because anxiety is so broad, it is difficult to diagnose a person with a particular anxiety disorder until it develops into a more prevalent disorder. For many sexual dysfunctions, it would start symptomatic and eventually form into a disorder, just as a synapse can create brain wave activity that may create unhealthy patterns in the brain.
  • So, in essence, every bodily function relies on the brain and the entire nervous system to operate. The brain, being the motherboard of the body, holds memories, thoughts, thinking patterns and other biological processes that is effected by the psychological processes. Sexual performance relies on a person’s mental capacity rather than their physical ability. Anything can be the cause of a person’s sexual dysfunction when anxiety is involved. However, the trauma is nothing physical directly. Following a penile fracture, one study proved that there has been no evidence proving that something this traumatic has caused anxiety or depression after repair even though there needs to be more observation to prove this (Penbegul, et al., 2012). It doesn’t mean it couldn’t cause depression, however it doesn’t directly cause it unless it was tied to something else. Further study is needed, however the participants in this study went back to having normal sexual lives as if nothing happened (Penbegul, et al., 2012).
  • No matter what causes the anxiety in a person, it has to manifest in the brain first even when it comes to a person’s sexual performance. A study was performed to understand the metacognition of patients with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation proving how anxiety is what causes both disorders (Bagcioglu, et al., 2011). This study showed how participants think about how they “think” and even how they were able to improve their sexual performance when they changed how they thought about themselves and their performance. So even before a neuron can do its job in the brain, a thought has to be created and even accepted. Considering fear has to be present for a long period of time to create anxiety and even longer before a disorder can be diagnosed, the thought has to begin the process. The thought can be produced as a result of a negative experience that could include abuse, being teased, being cut from the football team, losing a loved one, contracting a disease among other things.
  • So even with the knowledge of nitric oxide being the main neurotransmitter that allows a person to perform sexually, a person would still have to maintain a positive, non-fearful mindset to curb anxiety in the bedroom. It was stated in the article on erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and how it is effected by metacognition the following: “We suggest that patients who have higher cognitive self-consciousness scores may have an elevated focus of self and might display intensified responses to threatening stimuli” (Bagcioglu, et al., 2011). People who had higher self-esteem and more of an awareness of themselves as an individual was able to pinpoint any anxieties and issues they may have and be able to cope and heal from them. In other words, self-knowledge is key and being honest about the emotions, especially fear, is a way to allow a person to heal or even avoid anxiety. In fact, self-knowledge and self-esteem is important to be able to maintain a healthy mind, even during and after a negative experience that could potentially cause fear leading to anxiety.
  • Unfortunately, sexual disorders among men and women develop due to extensive fear caused by various experiences that are often unnoticed until it’s too late. Erectile dysfunction & premature ejaculation in men is caused by anxiety as discovered within the last two decades and anxiety has been considered a coping mechanism for them (Bagcioglu, et al., 2012). Anxiety was a way to cope so that they would not have to experience the stimuli that caused the anxiety anymore at the expense of their sex life. So there are men who would either avoid sex or would even stop dating to not have sex because they don’t want to risk the disappointment or the past negative experience that caused their fear ever again.
  • Interestingly, in this particular study it was also noted that men already with premature ejaculation eventually would form anxiety (if they weren’t anxious initially) which lead to erectile dysfunction (Bagcioglu, et al., 2012). There were several times when men who suffered from premature ejaculation for other various reasons developed anxiety because of their performance. Because it was not treated or handled in a healthy way they suffered further and eventually was diagnosed with erectile dysfunction. This is why the researcher believes that treatment should include cognitive therapy so that not only are they receiving the proper medications, diet, and other treatments that might be needed, they can also retrain their brain on how to think so that they may be able to optimize their sexual performance.
  • It seems to be the same with women when it comes to the orgasm. It is noted in another study that women who do not have an orgasm have feelings of inadequacy and distress; in fact, distress is what caused the lack of orgasm (Laan & Rellini, 2011). The issue with this was not the orgasm itself, but whether or not an orgasm is important. The female orgasm ideals varies among cultures- some cultures praise it while others condemn it (Laan & Rellini, 2011).
  • It seems that the cause of a woman’s orgasm, or the lack thereof, as well as her performance is based on fear considering what is deemed as acceptable or unacceptable. However, a woman’s ability to orgasm at some time in their life span is usually the determining factor of their sexual satisfaction (Laan & Rellini, 2011). One of the main issues with how a woman thinks about herself is dependent on her body image and how she genuinely feels about herself. The more a woman is open to the idea with self-confidence within and maintains a healthy mental process in her brain, the more likely she will achieve climax and have a healthy sex life. Whether man or woman, a person’s sexual satisfaction stems from the positive and negative dimensions of their sexual experiences and variables that include relationship satisfaction and even self-esteem (Stephenson & Meston, 2011).
  • Regardless of how fear is implemented in a person’s mind that leads to anxiety, in order to treat sexual dysfunction, the patient will have to be treated for anxiety to pinpoint the exact underline cause of it. There are a range of treatment options that span between pharmacological, psychological, dietary, and self-help therapies (Mcgrandles & Duffy, 2012). In fact, based on the evidence presented in this paper, the researcher supports all of these therapies when it comes to treatment critically with pharmacological methods being the last resort. Because anxiety is fear based, psychological and self-help therapies would help to transform a person cognitively and have a much healthier thought process about themselves. Fear of failure and inadequacy to control an orgasm can develop a more serious cycle of failure with an individual (Bagcioglu, et al., 2012). So it is important to focus on a person’s mental health to help them to hopefully regain their sexual confidence back. In fact, it is suggested that cognitive behavioral therapy should be implemented to treat sexual disorders to reduce anxiety that is causing it (Lofrisco, 2011).
  • Also, sexual dysfunctions are commonly coupled with another psychological disorder (Hoyer, et al., 2009). The main cause of sexual dysfunction is usually tied to something else whether it is morbid and tied to a physical illness such as diabetes or a psychological disorder such as schizophrenia and depression. As mentioned earlier, sexual dysfunction usually starts as a symptom of something else, even if it is just a fear of flying or being in the dark (this is the bare minimum of anxiety). However, a person must pay attention to their sexual responses when there is an unfortunate experience in their life regardless of the severity. This is proof that sexual performance is not based on physical performance alone, but it is based on how a person thinks even before, during, and after sex.
  • More studies are necessary to discover any form of anxiety disorders that are related to sexuality that would provide information & solutions for treatment, counseling, and education. Although there aren’t any cases reported in the one study that penile fractures causes anxiety, there is still a possibility that it can cause anxiety and erectile dysfunction, another bio-psychological condition (Penbegul, et al., 2012). Because sexual dysfunction is a recently studied area by scientists and psychologists, it is hard to tell what exactly are the causes and concerns of anxiety when it comes to sexuality. Even a more unfortunate circumstance is that epidemiological studies rarely include measures of the importance of sexual well-being (Stephenson & Meston, 2011). Some of the most important studies that cover bodily and psychological functions do not cover sexuality because it is seen as a secondary issue even though it has been proven that anxiety’s effects on sexuality has become a very prevalent topic.
  • Since it is now known that nitric oxide is important for sexual function from the brain and it is tied to eating, aggression, memory, & learning, the researcher would suggest that there are many ways to maintain a healthy and balanced sex life. This would include eating healthy and doing activities that would support a healthy sexual lifestyle that would cause aggression to dwindle and bad memories to serve as learning opportunities. Considering that it has already been proven that anxiety is the major cause of sexual dysfunctions and disorders, a healthy mind is just as important as a healthy body. Having a healthy mind will maintain the necessary nitric oxide levels needed to be able to have optimum performance during intercourse.
  • Physiologically everything starts in the brain. Neurotransmitters determine when we are hungry, sleepy, and even horny. Just as there are disorders in eating and sleeping, there are also disorders that directly affect our sex lives that are caused to anxiety. Anxiety is developed from over-extensive and under-treated fears can lead to sexual dysfunction, whether it is diagnosed or not. The harsh reality is that individuals, whether single or in a relationship, are suffering in this area because there is a lack of information and study. Understanding what fear does to the mind, how it leads to anxiety & eventually anxiety disorders, and how it can affect sexual function & performance is necessary for further study, treatment options, and dialogue for the sake and benefit of our sexual and mental health. The fact remains that anxiety is the major cause of sexual dysfunction in men and women requiring further consideration for study as well as a major part of diagnosis & treatment for people who suffer from it, in the bedroom, in the closet, and beyond.

Bagcioglu, E., Altunoluk, B., Bez, Y., Soylemez, H., Asik, A., & Emul, M. (2012).
Metacognition in patients with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Journal of
cognitive and behavioral psychotherapies, 12(1), 77-84.
Brotto, L. A. (2010). The DSM diagnostic criteria for sexual aversion disorder. Archives of Sexual
Behavior, 39(2), 271-7. doi:
Burstein, M. (2012). When to get anxious about social anxiety disorder. Contemporary pediatrics,
29(12), 32-42.
Cleary, M. J. (2011). Developments in neurofeedback: should health educators be paying
attention? Health education, 43(2), 21-26.
Hoyer, J., Uhmann. S., Rambow, J., and Jacobi, F. (2009). Reduction of sexual dysfunction: by-
product of cognitive-behavioural therapy for psychological disorders? Sexual and
relationship therapy, 24(1), 64-73.
Laan, E., & Rellini, A.H. (2011). Can we treat anorgasmia in women? The challenge of
experiencing pleasure. Sexual & relationship therapy, 26(4), 329-341.
Lefrancois, G. R. (2011). Psychology: the human puzzle. Retrieved from
Lofrisco, B. M. (2011). Female sexual pain disorders and cognitive behavioral therapy. Journal of
sex research, 48(6), 573-579. Doi: 10.1080/00224499.2010.540682.
McGrandles A, & Duffy, T. (2012). Assessment and treatment of patients with anxiety. Nursing
Standard, 26(35), 48-56.
Nelson, A. L. & Purdon, C. (2011). Non-erotic thoughts, attentional focus, and sexual problems
in a community sample. Archives of sexual behavior, 40(2), 395-406.
Doi: 10.1007/s10508-10-9693-1
Penbegul, N., Bez, Y., Atar, M., Bozkurt, Y., Sancaktutar, A. A., Soylemez, H., and Ozen, S.
(2012). No evidence of depression, anxiety, and sexual dysfunction following penile
fracture. International Journal of Impotence Research, 24(1), 26-30.
Stephenson, K. R. & Meston, C. M. (2011). The association between sexual costs and sexual
satisfaction in women: an exploration of the Interpersonal Exchange Model of Sexual
Satisfaction. Canadian journal of human sexuality, 20(1/2), 31-40.
Wilson, J. F. (2012). Introduction to biological psychology. Retrieved from

Monday, April 29, 2013

Fuck your sexuality

  • Vent: This is what I am tired of in the Erotic Community as I will call it :)

  • I am tired of people who are so engulfed in their sexuality and their views of sexuality that they make it the gospel truth and insist it is something that we must adhere to.

  • I am monogamous and it really is not by choice. We accept that homosexuality is not by choice, but can't do the same for monogamy. I have tried to be polyamorous and polyandrous- I am neither. I have tried lesbianism. I like dick. I guess I am considered "traditional" heterosexual. What the fuck is wrong with that? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being who you are sexually whatever that may imply. (By the way, I have had this talk with Progressive Lovers who are very lovely people and they have heard me.)

  • There are so many people that do various sexual things and expect me to be an "expert" on them or even try them because I study sex. I'm sorry. I will never fuck a horse or do porn. I am too shy to fuck in front of people. I am not much of a voyeur because when I watch someone fuck usually it is comical to me- not because I'm embarrassed, but because the people fuckin sound or look goofy as hell.

  • I have gotten pretty tired of people trying to convince me and have even tried to manipulate me to join in on sexual escapades simply because I study sex and I am working toward becoming a sex educator and therapist. 

  • Homosexuality is not perverted... neither are orgies and sex parties.... neither are 3somes... neither is masturbation... neither is regular old missionary position. THe perversion comes from the people and their constant push to get people to adapt what they feel is right and truth sexually. 

  • In the words of Carlton Pearson, we don't have to go along to get along. However we must remember how a lot of these revolutions started, including sexually. All it comes from is rebellion from what is considered acceptable and discriminates against all others. Having a great sex life does not mean you have to convert anyone else to like what you like. Some people sound like televangelists preaching all this good news while preaching condemnation if you are not on the bandwagon. GEt a fuckin life... or a dildo... or chinese balls... or whatever it is that you really want to try...

  • Imposing your sexual energy onto to someone else does nothing but expose you for what you really want. Go for what you want. Stop bullshittin trying to convert others. There are many other issues that are more important than to get everyone to understand that monogamy is "not natural." If that is the case neither is homosexuality, bisexuality, trisexuality, etc. The only thing natural about sex is YOU and what you make of it. Everything else is just multiple streams of sexuality that may not flow through you.

  • Be confident in yourself... that is the only thing that matters. Not everybody sucks dick, takes it in the ass, or suck on toes. Some folks need to get over themselves and stop trying to show their ass... or the their tits or dick for all that matters. We get it. You fuck and you are comfortable in the way you fuck, who you fuck, who all you fuck with, how many times you fuck, how many people you have or will fuck, how many you will fuck all at the same time, how long you can fuck and/or suck, how deep you can go, how many lovers you have while married and how cool your spouse is with it and vice versa... The sexual smorgasbord has been established and there is no need to reiterate how you make it look grand.

  • Let's focus on sexual deviancy such as pedophilia and racism. What about rape and how to survive and heal from it while regaining your sexual confidence back? How about effective ways of making your marriage or partnership work in the area of intimacy or how to be honest about what you want? Let's teach the people how to be comfortable with their real self and how to master that rather than preach the ABC's of "How to fuck" and why you should be fucking who you want. Some shit is not that serious folks.....

  • Being confident in your sexuality does not mean you have to put it on blast. There is nothing wrong with privacy as long as no one is getting hurt or abused in the process. Some people want to be a closet freak. Some people want to be gay but don't want to broadcast it. Its not because they are ashamed... its because they want you to mind your fuckin business. 

  • I'm speaking from personal experience, from studies, and from encounters with people who have seeked my counsel. We forget that sexuality is a form of vulnerability. Not everyone wants to or is ready to remove the fig leaves. Even then, nakedness does not mean you are exposed, it just means that you are comfortable in your own skin regardless of who sees. 

  • Now, stop it with the bullshit. You ain't bought that life no way :)