Saturday, November 10, 2012
The Truth About Intimacy (formally Intimacy Sucks)
For a while, my boo and I were arguing over... well... I don't know why we were arguing. We were arguing so much for pretty much nothing. Interestingly, a few months ago, he told me that he wanted me to open up more and really understand and get to know the real me. I wanted to do the same thing with him. We have already declared that we love each other and we had been experiencing a bliss that many people do not believe exist. ...Suddenly we were arguing like cats and dogs. We would make up every time and then argue about something else a few days later. How can two people that love each other and make passionate love to one another seem to argue so much about nothing? If I would have said something to some of my friends they would have told me to leave him alone- something better is out there for me. ...or is it? For about the last week or two, I contemplated on all that we were experiencing and how our disagreements escalated when we began to desire to be more intimate with each other. Usually people would take this as a sign that this is a problem and that it is not meant to be. This notion seems to be based on the fact that no one likes to argue, let alone drama. However, people fail to realize that to be intimate you must be naked and completely uncovered. Even when you have sex with clothes on, something has to be uncovered. So being intimate is being completely vulnerable. What does this mean? It means that whatever is exposed is exposed. It means that whatever flaws, bruises, marks, discrepancies, ugliness, etc is on your body it is uncovered and being viewed by someone you wanted to open up to and vice versa. Have you ever had sex with a beautiful woman with ugly feet? Have you ever had sex with a man that smelled like spaghetti? In some cases, for the sake of a nut, many of you overlook things. You are more concerned about your personal gratification. Being concerned with a person's appearance in their nakedness is not a big deal to you. Some of you are so caught up in how a person looks when they're clothes are off that the slightest thing can make your penis soft and your vagina dry. You cannot even perform sexually if something is not right in your eyes. We treat our relationships the same way. You didn't like how he said something to you. You didn't like how she spoke with an attitude. You don't know how that person's day is going or what is on their mind- all you know is that they need to take the bass out of their voice. No one wants to accept the fact that we all have flaws. I am so sick of people lying and saying that they accept everyone. I used to say that. Hell, I said it the other day. I plan to stop saying it. It's bullshit. No one fully accepts everyone. There is going to be shit that we hate about people. However, the only way to truly accept a person is not accepting their flaws, but recognizing that they exist and not be in denial about it. You need to at least accept the fact that they exist and there is nothing you can do about it. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to live with these flaws and in some cases you need to decide are these flaws worth working on and changing to make the relationship work. The reality of it is that they may never change. What does this have to do with intimacy? Everything. Intimacy is a form of exposure because you are being revealed everything about a person no matter how fucked up they are or have been. I am dating a fitness guru while I enjoy eating at Wendy's. He run's 5 miles around the mountain while I watch HGTV and The Food Network. He fixes everything and likes to get his hands dirty and I like to wash my hands after cleaning steaks that I plan to cook that evening. We fail to realize when we date that the other person is human and have human functioning. We forget that the other person will get gas and pass it, take a shit, piss, have morning breath, eye boogers, boogers in their nose, have a distinctive body odor in the morning, gets skid marks in their underwear once in a while, has period stains in their panties sometimes (ladies), grows pubic and armpit hair. We forget that the other person can be sensitive in some areas and have feelings. We forget that the other person has an ugly side. We don't realize that the pic we saw on that dating sight is just a good angle of them to make them look attractive initially even though it is hiding their cockeye, a bruise, or a herpes cold sore on their lip. There are some living with things that are much more uglier than these things. Someone cannot tell their spouse that they have genital herpes and make excuses to avoid sex when they are having an outbreak. Another person is insecure about the eczema they have on their back. You may have AIDS/HIV. You may have Hepatitis C. You could be diabetic and no longer have a sex drive. You may have some type of physical disease that the doctors say you cannot get rid of and will be on medication the rest of your life. You may have a criminal record. You may be an ex-con. You may be a felon on probation. You may have abused a child or a significant other. You may have done the most horrible thing on this planet that you could possibly do and you are going to take it to your grave because you know that no one will accept you. We fail to realize that when we are naked, whether literally or figuratively, the bruises and scars that are still there are from your past, but does not define your future. The limb that we lost abruptly does not make you handicap. These battle wounds are signs that you survived the worst. The pain you still may have means that you are still alive and that things that was there to destroy you did not kill you. Pain is evidence that you are still breathing. Scars are evidence that you are a survivor. But now you are naked with a perfect stranger revealing all these things to them. Some things are revealed at will while others are discovered by them. This is the most fearful you have been. What can you do? This is why people stopped believing in romance and falling in love. This is why people just opt for lustful situations that are short term and gave up on finding a long term imperfect romance. Not only do you have to deal with the morning breath, farts, disease, and chaos from the other person, you have to reveal the same to the other person. You are at risk of being judged because of your past and even your present even though you are not that person from the past anymore and you are faithfully paying your mistakes. Intimacy has nothing to do with stroking, touching and caressing a perfect body and being gratified with it. Intimacy actually has nothing to do with self-gratification. Intimacy is a form of compassionate healing because you are allowing yourself to be open to a hurt and bruised individual while you are hurt and bruised yourself. Intimacy is healing. Intimacy is the sexual version of grace. The same grace we hear at church or at your spiritual center. The same grace we hear that God has. Intimacy says that you are imperfect, I see your imperfections, and I know you are still effected by them, but I am here and I love you. Intimacy recognizes your own suffering and the other person's suffering, as discussed with Buddhism, and you love them and show compassion from where they are now. If you have met someone and it seems everything has gone down hill since the two of you decided that you really love each other, this is a sign that intimacy has been developed. What are you going to do about it? You can either tear the person down for their past and current flaws and fuck ups, or you can build them up and be the grace that you both need in both of your lives and work to overcome it. To have a great sex life with your partner, this is the first thing you must understand. You have to be able to stand with them and not against them. If you desire more intimacy with your partner, compassion is key because it lets your partner know that you are there and you're not going anywhere. Thich Nhat Hahn says in a mantra: Darling I am here. Darling you are here. Darling, I suffer. Darling you suffer. In other words he is saying that it is important to be mindful and attentive to your partner, even while they deal with their personal struggles. You may not understand and feel that they are not doing something right to change, but that is not your call. They have their own walk and it is not your own. You may not understand how things effect them. I'm not saying to tolerate bullshit. You should not be abused because of someone else's issues. Leave asap if this is happening. There are situations where you are going to have to leave for the sake of your safety and well-being. You can still love from afar. Just understand that grace says I am here, I see what you're going through; I don't understand it, but I am going to be a friend and not another enemy; I am not here to be an adversary. I am here to love you. Sex is sex, but don't fool yourself or anyone else. You are naked no matter what. Be proud of who you are and where you came from because it made you into the person you are today. Be with someone who recognizes that and you will see a major difference in the quality of your relationships. Namaste'.