Friday, August 17, 2012

Not Giving A Fuck... Real Liberation

Prior to writing this blog I was in deep meditation listening to two of Deepak Chopra's projects- "The Secret of Healing: Meditations for Transformation and Higher Consciousness" and "The Secret of Love: Meditations for Attracting and Being in Love." I thought I only had it set to shuffle for "The Secret of Healing" only for "The Secret of Love" to sneak in to the playback on my Rhapsody. At first, when I noticed the mistake, I almost interrupted my meditation to correct the playback. Fortunately, I decided to allow the "mistake" to continue during my session. I am glad that I did!

The second and third track that surprised me during meditation was tracks on "The Secret of Love..." (Chopra, titled 'The Secret of Infatuation' and 'The Secret of Sexuality.' Now, I know I am late posting a blog for August, but I just couldn't figure out a post that would be great for the month. I had been going through so much for a while now and was meditating more often to try to regain some balance in my life. Listening to these tracks gave me a new sense of renewal in sexuality and with life itself.

What caught my attention is when the track for sexuality opened up with Dr. Chopra saying, "the secret of sexuality is the absence of guilt."

Ponder on that for a second.

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Now you may continue reading.

Many of us are infatuated with the physical aspect of sex and are only focused on intercourse. Sex, however, is not just intercourse. Sex is a creative energy. Sex is manifestation of your divine self expressed through erotic love. Sex is love. Sex is in everything. Sex IS everything. Yep, I said it. For so long, people say that sex and love are separate. Well, yeah- you can separate the two. We've been doing it anyway. Why? Because being vulnerable with the one you thought was the one only brought heartache and pain. Keeping love and sex separate is much easier on you emotionally.

...Or so you thought. Sex without love is pure ego manifesting as lasciviousness. I came to this conclusion because in reality if there is no love with sex, you're really only trying to bust a nut. There is nothing wrong with that, if that's all you want. The issue is that most people don't know how to differentiate between ego sex and making love, and some just don't know how to communicate to their partner or accept from their partner that this is "just sex."

I've had my share of experiences. I've been heartbroken and deceived. I've cried. After that, I allowed my ego to step in and had pure, unadulturated sex- as in fuck feelings, emotions, and just you as a person. All I wanted was the pleasure because I couldn't bare anymore pain. Give me some head and I give you some head then you fuck me real good and I'll fuck you real good and you or I go home. Sometimes it was almost a barter. Example: I let you fuck me. You spend the night for free so you can go to work and not be late tomorrow- just sleep on that side of the bed... or you can hold me, just leave when you say you were going to leave.

I slept with single men, attached men, and regretfully married men (oh, the humanity). Now, hold the tomatoes and stones. This is a testimony, not a tell all blog. Do I look like that Superhead chick?

If the attraction was there and the dick was right I was down. My mindset was fuck it. It started out as purely sexual freedom- meaning fuck who and when I pleased. It was cool at first, but as I get older it has only gotten old, boring, and counterproductive. I had to eventually be honest with myself and admit that I want to be in love.

I was allowing my painful experiences to dictate the type of sexual experiences and relationships that I had after because I only went for anything that would be easy and would leave when I was done with them. As cute as I thought I was, I was only becoming calloused- kind of like wearing those cute heels that hurt our feet yet we wonder how we got that hard, painful skin at the balls of our feet. You get what I'm saying.

I didn't feel guilty about my sexual experiences and for most of them I still have no guilt about them (most of them). I'm just at a place in my life where I am understanding that sexual freedom has nothing to do with the ability to fuck anyone at anytime. Sexual liberation is being free from the emotional attachment to experiences that have broken you.

I have been told that if I plan to teach, write, or counsel on sex then I need to experience all these different sexual experiences. Of course, the one's telling me this bullshit were people trying to experience me sexually in the way they want me. I don't do threesomes. I am not bisexual (unless I've had more than 5 drinks lol). I will never fuck another species (gross). I don't rape or molest children or any individual. What I do in my bedroom is pretty much my business with my lover, actually. Regardless, I have empowered and liberated myself through the release and forgiveness of my unfortunate past.

I've released my horrible and painful relationships, sexual abuse, physical and verbal abuse. It no longer serves any purpose in my life. I am no longer a victim. So now, when I am with my partner, I do not just fuck him and be done. I do not just put it on him to try to manipulate him. I do not mistreat him or act egotistical toward him. I give my all out of love and appreciation. I enjoy our pleasure out of our divinity and not out of hurt- not out of ego.

The guilt from my past no longer controls my sexuality. It has taught me how much stronger I really am, but it no longer dictates who my partners are and my experiences. Fear of commitment, fear of being hurt, and any other form of fear no longer determines the type of sex life I aspire to have. Love remains my guide.

Being in love has nothing to do with fairy tales. Being in love is being love- whatever that means to you. Love is who you are. So everything you give, do, act out, etc, is an expression of love. How are you really making love. Its not just intercourse. It is creating an atmosphere of liberation, acceptance, forgiveness, and healing.

Namaste.