Monday, December 17, 2012

Diary of a Confused Black Blogger

So, I learned that a the concept of the Angry Black Woman syndrome was developed by a black man who is a clinical psychologist. Here is my take on this. 1. That fact that he is making a generalization and categorizing this based on race means that he probably didn't do that well in college when he was studying psychology. A real psychologist will not and cannot hypothesize a syndrome on race alone. He can study the race for specific details and sensitivities, but it is unethical to base a specific syndrome or characteristic to one group of people that every race of people experience with each other. 2. Definition: Angry Black Woman Syndrome - When a (Black/African American) woman has been hurt and/or has watched someone she loves experience hurt and uses those experiences to build a brick wall of anger. She typically comes off as mean, aggressive, or unapproachable. Hmm... Don't women of other races have the same types of characteristics, too? I have noticed many times that when I get angry I have been told I was a drama queen or an angry black woman. I have seen women of other races get angry and people are rushing to their defense. IJS... The world is pretty big so there are so many variations of women that display so many different attitudes and emotions. 3. People need to get real with the fact that everyone has emotions- even more with women. Sorry, but women get angry, sad, happy, etc. Women can go from one extreme to another emotionally. Let's get that straight... 4. No one is perfect, however we all know how to be a good judge of character. If the bitch is bitter, leave her ass alone. If he is trife, leave his ass alone. Period. That was simple, right? You know, sometimes it seems the simplest things are the most difficult because of its simplicity. We're used to things being so complex that when we get simple we are uncomfortable with conforming to it. 5. There is anger and then there is strength. There is strength and then there is anger. Had to put it both ways so no one will get offended. Guess what? Everyone has both emotions. This has nothing to do with sex. I was not even going to write anything this month because I am busy planning my holiday festivities. I was inspired to write this from watching "Diary of a Tired Black Man." Awesome movie. Even right now, as I write this, I am watching the scene where the woman gets mad because he left his dirty dras on the floor. She is getting him up and cussing him out for dirty dras and accusing him of having a woman on the side. The guy who is do the interview is allowing himself to get emotiona about certain things. Even the expert psychologist agrees with the term "Angry Black Woman Syndrome." Thanks Dr. So and So for agreeing to this bullshit title. Now go back to school and actually pay attention and refer to #1 in this blog. I am not saying none of what was in the movie is true. Truth was definitely being displayed. I think the focus was on angry black women destroying black men. Interestingly, Diary of a Mad Black Woman and Diary of a Tired Black Man were both done by... you guessed it... Black Men... Are there biases? Yes. Were there important points made? Absolutely! What is the issue then? The issue I had was the name of the syndrome. The other issue was that I felt at times the interviewer was not being objective. It seemed like there was a focus on angry black women and how they ruin the lives of black men- something that does exist. However, I feel there is a need to make them understand why the drama isn't necessary by pointing out the drama that black men face day to day outside of the home- police brutality and harrassment, discrimination, stereotypes, long day at their bullshit job, etc. Show what they really go through to be the man for their homes and communities as well- not just with actors, but also with real life people. The black female lead role actress acted pretty cheezy which is why I say follow a few brothas around who are going through some real shit too. This way you cover every area and learning methods that people need. A lot of black women, like myself, got the point of the film, but to get everyone you have to do a little extra sometimes. Besides all this, angry black woman syndrome is not a syndrome, but an idea- a hypothesis made by a black man who saw that his experience was similar to many other's. If in fact it has to be a syndrome and it goes in the books as a legitimate disease, the cause of it goes back before there were baby daddies, pimps, players, wife beaters, and dead beat dads. If this is a syndrome, then it is under the umbrella of Black Plight Syndrome- a mental condition that has been affecting African American people for centuries. Thank you for now... I have other shit I have to go take care of real quick. Maybe the next time I think about this I will do a part two. Until then, ponder on this...

Saturday, November 10, 2012

The Truth About Intimacy (formally Intimacy Sucks)

For a while, my boo and I were arguing over... well... I don't know why we were arguing. We were arguing so much for pretty much nothing. Interestingly, a few months ago, he told me that he wanted me to open up more and really understand and get to know the real me. I wanted to do the same thing with him. We have already declared that we love each other and we had been experiencing a bliss that many people do not believe exist. ...Suddenly we were arguing like cats and dogs. We would make up every time and then argue about something else a few days later. How can two people that love each other and make passionate love to one another seem to argue so much about nothing? If I would have said something to some of my friends they would have told me to leave him alone- something better is out there for me. ...or is it? For about the last week or two, I contemplated on all that we were experiencing and how our disagreements escalated when we began to desire to be more intimate with each other. Usually people would take this as a sign that this is a problem and that it is not meant to be. This notion seems to be based on the fact that no one likes to argue, let alone drama. However, people fail to realize that to be intimate you must be naked and completely uncovered. Even when you have sex with clothes on, something has to be uncovered. So being intimate is being completely vulnerable. What does this mean? It means that whatever is exposed is exposed. It means that whatever flaws, bruises, marks, discrepancies, ugliness, etc is on your body it is uncovered and being viewed by someone you wanted to open up to and vice versa. Have you ever had sex with a beautiful woman with ugly feet? Have you ever had sex with a man that smelled like spaghetti? In some cases, for the sake of a nut, many of you overlook things. You are more concerned about your personal gratification. Being concerned with a person's appearance in their nakedness is not a big deal to you. Some of you are so caught up in how a person looks when they're clothes are off that the slightest thing can make your penis soft and your vagina dry. You cannot even perform sexually if something is not right in your eyes. We treat our relationships the same way. You didn't like how he said something to you. You didn't like how she spoke with an attitude. You don't know how that person's day is going or what is on their mind- all you know is that they need to take the bass out of their voice. No one wants to accept the fact that we all have flaws. I am so sick of people lying and saying that they accept everyone. I used to say that. Hell, I said it the other day. I plan to stop saying it. It's bullshit. No one fully accepts everyone. There is going to be shit that we hate about people. However, the only way to truly accept a person is not accepting their flaws, but recognizing that they exist and not be in denial about it. You need to at least accept the fact that they exist and there is nothing you can do about it. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to live with these flaws and in some cases you need to decide are these flaws worth working on and changing to make the relationship work. The reality of it is that they may never change. What does this have to do with intimacy? Everything. Intimacy is a form of exposure because you are being revealed everything about a person no matter how fucked up they are or have been. I am dating a fitness guru while I enjoy eating at Wendy's. He run's 5 miles around the mountain while I watch HGTV and The Food Network. He fixes everything and likes to get his hands dirty and I like to wash my hands after cleaning steaks that I plan to cook that evening. We fail to realize when we date that the other person is human and have human functioning. We forget that the other person will get gas and pass it, take a shit, piss, have morning breath, eye boogers, boogers in their nose, have a distinctive body odor in the morning, gets skid marks in their underwear once in a while, has period stains in their panties sometimes (ladies), grows pubic and armpit hair. We forget that the other person can be sensitive in some areas and have feelings. We forget that the other person has an ugly side. We don't realize that the pic we saw on that dating sight is just a good angle of them to make them look attractive initially even though it is hiding their cockeye, a bruise, or a herpes cold sore on their lip. There are some living with things that are much more uglier than these things. Someone cannot tell their spouse that they have genital herpes and make excuses to avoid sex when they are having an outbreak. Another person is insecure about the eczema they have on their back. You may have AIDS/HIV. You may have Hepatitis C. You could be diabetic and no longer have a sex drive. You may have some type of physical disease that the doctors say you cannot get rid of and will be on medication the rest of your life. You may have a criminal record. You may be an ex-con. You may be a felon on probation. You may have abused a child or a significant other. You may have done the most horrible thing on this planet that you could possibly do and you are going to take it to your grave because you know that no one will accept you. We fail to realize that when we are naked, whether literally or figuratively, the bruises and scars that are still there are from your past, but does not define your future. The limb that we lost abruptly does not make you handicap. These battle wounds are signs that you survived the worst. The pain you still may have means that you are still alive and that things that was there to destroy you did not kill you. Pain is evidence that you are still breathing. Scars are evidence that you are a survivor. But now you are naked with a perfect stranger revealing all these things to them. Some things are revealed at will while others are discovered by them. This is the most fearful you have been. What can you do? This is why people stopped believing in romance and falling in love. This is why people just opt for lustful situations that are short term and gave up on finding a long term imperfect romance. Not only do you have to deal with the morning breath, farts, disease, and chaos from the other person, you have to reveal the same to the other person. You are at risk of being judged because of your past and even your present even though you are not that person from the past anymore and you are faithfully paying your mistakes. Intimacy has nothing to do with stroking, touching and caressing a perfect body and being gratified with it. Intimacy actually has nothing to do with self-gratification. Intimacy is a form of compassionate healing because you are allowing yourself to be open to a hurt and bruised individual while you are hurt and bruised yourself. Intimacy is healing. Intimacy is the sexual version of grace. The same grace we hear at church or at your spiritual center. The same grace we hear that God has. Intimacy says that you are imperfect, I see your imperfections, and I know you are still effected by them, but I am here and I love you. Intimacy recognizes your own suffering and the other person's suffering, as discussed with Buddhism, and you love them and show compassion from where they are now. If you have met someone and it seems everything has gone down hill since the two of you decided that you really love each other, this is a sign that intimacy has been developed. What are you going to do about it? You can either tear the person down for their past and current flaws and fuck ups, or you can build them up and be the grace that you both need in both of your lives and work to overcome it. To have a great sex life with your partner, this is the first thing you must understand. You have to be able to stand with them and not against them. If you desire more intimacy with your partner, compassion is key because it lets your partner know that you are there and you're not going anywhere. Thich Nhat Hahn says in a mantra: Darling I am here. Darling you are here. Darling, I suffer. Darling you suffer. In other words he is saying that it is important to be mindful and attentive to your partner, even while they deal with their personal struggles. You may not understand and feel that they are not doing something right to change, but that is not your call. They have their own walk and it is not your own. You may not understand how things effect them. I'm not saying to tolerate bullshit. You should not be abused because of someone else's issues. Leave asap if this is happening. There are situations where you are going to have to leave for the sake of your safety and well-being. You can still love from afar. Just understand that grace says I am here, I see what you're going through; I don't understand it, but I am going to be a friend and not another enemy; I am not here to be an adversary. I am here to love you. Sex is sex, but don't fool yourself or anyone else. You are naked no matter what. Be proud of who you are and where you came from because it made you into the person you are today. Be with someone who recognizes that and you will see a major difference in the quality of your relationships. Namaste'.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Mars and Venus Runs the Universe

This initially was not going to be a blog but it became too long on my Facebook lol... I am watching Chrissy and Mr. Jones. After careful observation, they are just showing what practically every relationship experiences. It was like watching me and Mr. Wonderful go at it- even though it is not that bad or serious. Then I had an epiphany. Every woman is a Chrissy. We talk about what he doesn't do write. We always talk about what men don't do right. Jim Jones, like practically most men, are simple and require short sentences and yes/no answers. What it boils down to is this: Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. We communicate differently. Our consciousness is different. Our POV's are different. It's supposed to be different. In some cases, opposite. There is a reason that men are broke from buying rims and video games and women are broke from decorating the house. Yin and Yang are not the same, but what keeps them together is how they share a little of each others traits. Men always fuck up and women will never be completely satisfied. SOooo what do we do? You both click and are inseperable. Simple. Let shit go. We will never be alike. In fact, even if you can't let go of his stupidity and her obnoxiousness, celebrate each other. You never see day have conflict with night. The sun continues to shine even when its not visible to a certain part of the globe... and it doesn't complain about it. Celebrate each others strengths and hold each other up in each other's weaknesses. I try to remember this when there is a disagreement, because in all honesty I am dating a wonderful guy and I want this to work. It has nothing to do with what he does right and what he doesn't do wrong. We have fun together and he is a nice balance I need in my crazy life. He is awesome! Does he get on my nerves? Yes, of course! He's a man lol. Guess what? I get on his nerves. End of the day we are in each others arms appreciating the time we have with each other. Ok... so what does this have to do with sex? We get so focused on the superficial aspects of sex that we can't even feel a person's soul. People get caught up looks, size, technique, experience, etc. in sex and in relationships as a whole. When will we be able to focus on the little things- like how he still opens the door for me or how I remember his favorite color? What about sharing secrets and passions to each other? What about how he kisses you on the forehead or how she rubs your feet while you fall asleep every night? We focus so much on what people do wrong, negativity, and things that are not going to last long as if that is the only way we can get gratification. Gratification comes from within. If you feel good about you from within, all you can really do is feel good when you are with the right people. We get so exhausted from trying to fix a relationship and even your sex life that you call it quits because you simply have no more desire or energy. However, when you are fulfilled from within before you meet that person, you will be satisfied with that person regardless of their imperfections. A kiss on the forehead will be one of the most erotic and orgasmic experiences you have with your partner... and you didn't have to engage in intercourse to have that feeling. Sex is not intercourse. Sex is just a short word for intimacy. Without intimacy, its not sex, its lasciviousness and lust. You and the other person is just a piece of ass and a meal ticket (with the right amount of money). I like intimacy, which is why I like Mr. Wonderful. He has his imperfections as well as I, but even our ashes are turned into beauty when we focus on each other's personal beauty. I hope things work out with Chrissy and Mr. Jones because regardless of how things have been, they have a passion for each other that they will not get from anyone else. That type of togetherness is the foundation of intimacy. But managing a relationship will require reasoning and understanding. Sometimes it means you will have to let it go, no matter what, if you genuinely connected. Ok... time to get back to some other business... this is just a thought :)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Pussy Talk...The Truth About Freaky Women

It's getting cold outside- really cold. All I keep thinking about doing is one thing- fuckin. In fact, all I keep thinking about is fuckin my guy. That's right people. Lately, I have been one horny bitch (of course for those of you that know me personally you are probably thinking how this is nothing new). I have been more hornier than ever! OMG! My vagina has turned into a bottomless pit- enter at your own risk mutha fucka... you may not come back the same person. Some would say it's because I'm a woman in my 30s. Some would say it's my zodiac (Aries). Some would say I just need to grow up and stop acting like a nasty bitch. I don't know. All I know is that my guy has been looking at me like I've lost my mind at times, especially when I grab his dick at the most "inappropriate" times (ie. while driving, at the grocery store, at the bar, etc). I think I've sucked his dick into a mental breakdown. I look at it and its happy to see me, but it's begging for paid time off. When I look at him, he's blushing and giving me that sexy look from one eye that he gives when he's horny, but the other eye has that "damn, bitch, do you sleep?" look. I was starting to wonder if I was becoming addicted to sex. I'm not. If I was, I'd be fucking him, them, her, and you right now and not writing this blog. Let's face it- sex is my life... well... from an intellectual sense. I chose a career to study, write, and talk about sex. I'm supposed to have an "extravagant sex life," right? That's what everyone tells me. I should be fucking everyday and engaging in many different sex acts and activities to understand it more. Well, actually... no. My manfriend told me he doesn't know what to do with me (boy have I heard that before). Now, don't take that as him saying that he doesn't know what to do with the pussy. Trust me, he know what he's doing with the pussy. I'm still hoarse from Sunday after church. I was shouting alright. I was thinking to myself about this and about how many men have been intimidated or simply not used to a woman not having a sex drive like mine, let alone a sex drive at all. He thinks I'm crazy because when he gets out the shower, I'm sitting right in the bathroom watching him dry his naked body off and how erect his dick is from the temperature. I'm staring at him in heat and he feels like a piece of meat because he can only imagine the nasty thoughts I have formulated in my mind about him. It is interesting how my homegirls have the same situation with their men. I have one homegirl (true story) who gave head to her man... WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING THE CAR AND HE WAS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT! I have another homegirl that can break dick down as if she was a connesseur. Tina Atl, who's middle name should be the Dickologist, at times make me wish I had a dick the way she writes about it in her poetry. I'm saying all this to say this: WOMEN ARE HORNY TOO! We are not trying to be like men. We don't have to be like a man. A woman's sexuality is not like a man. A man's sexuality is usually localized to his dick, although some men can have sensations in their nipples and ass (even though most of you will not go there lol). A woman's sexuality is deeper than that. There is a world within us that is beyond the pussy. If you think that the pussy is the final destination, you're not fucking us right. Let me explain. Pussy is the gateway of potential. She can be the baddest bitch, but if you don't allow a woman's full potential to be expressed sexually, she's just another bad bitch giving you a piece of ass. Many guys I have had conversations with have all express how much they are tired of just having a piece of ass and want to be intimate with a woman mentally and spiritually too. Then he met me... Wait a minute! You thought it was just going to be intellectual talks about books, Osho, and the plight of our people while listening to "Redemption Song" in the background. You thought we would burn incense while meditating or practicing yoga. You thought it would just be a walk in park, a hike up the mountain trail, or a drive around the city while you laugh about childhood and popsicles and shit. You thought you got a good girl, didn't you? Tell the truth. What you got is a woman who knows how to live life, enjoys life, and wants you... in the worst way. The secret to bringing the freak out of a woman is not how you eat her pussy or dick her down- we have toys for all that shit. The secret to bringing the freak out of a woman is not just to talk dirty to her and to try to out freak her- everybody does that shit. Side note: if you have a woman and not doing this shit then your good woman is probably fucking someone else. End side note. The secret to bringing the freak out of any woman is to enjoy life with her, have fun, loosen up. The secret to bringing the freak out of any woman is to engage into her intellectual side. The secret to bringing the freak out of any woman is not through the pussy- like I said, the pussy is the gateway to potential, but it doesn't mean you've arrived. The secret to experiencing what you call her freaky side which is really her mysterious, sexy, alluring side, is through her mind. My guy asked me once, "Why are you so freaky, Lekeisha?" My answer, "it is because you know how to stimulate my mind." He was puzzled and even confused because every other woman he's ever dated has never been this open. "It's either because you didn't tap into this side of her, or she remained closed up because she chose to remain in her dark world out of fear," I said. Every rose needs sunshine to blossom, and that's all that's happening with us. Once each pedal is completely opened she's already releasing herself to you, even when you are not in her. That's why a woman can orgasm even without stimulation. That's why women think that they have to wear panty liners when they are with you. That's why she had to wash her panties at your house the other night. I'm going to be frank- this independent woman bullshit gets mentally draining. Its mentally draining because its a mutha fuckin front. Why? Because now days women have to survive on their own without a man. This is not like the old days when we find a husband and he becomes the breadwinner and we stay at home and take care of the house. Because of some feministic bullshit, finding that type of man almost doesn't exist because now it is expected we find a job and pay our own damn bills (fuck the feminist movement). So, being an independent woman is a front because we need to stay strong and be something that really we can't be on our own. So what do you think happens when a man comes along, treats us like a lady, has mentally stimulating conversation, shows respect, takes us out, acts romantic, and does everything he can to show he respect her? A woman opens up like that rose ready to bloom. This is why women with these bitch ass pieces of shit can't stay in the situation that long simply because a rose is still a rose.You can keep cutting it down, but it will eventually rebloom again when she finally understands her worth. When you at least try to get an understanding of a woman's worth, you are going to get all the pussy you thought you missed out on when you were by yourself. This is why men who fuck around a lot gets bored with it; it's because its all pussy with no substance or at least pussy that he will not try to dig the substance out of. As you get to know a woman, be sensitive to her needs and desires, and even put your foot down during intolerable moments (ie. she cusses you out for nothing, threatens to fuck you up, stirs up drama, etc) you will notice how she will not only open up to you, the fig leaves will fall off one by one, she will be naked with you and unashamed, and you will have a woman that will multiply and give back the love you give her. If you don't believe me, most of 2011 and 2010 was dry as hell for me because all everyone had to give was dick. Bitch, I used to sell sex toys. If it was that serious, I had samples. You couldn't tell me nothin'. When I met Mr. Wonderful this year, my vagina has been stimulated even without physical touch. The pussy stays wet because my mind stays interested and intrigued by a very intelligent man with a good heart and honest intentions. So, the next time a woman wants to throw herself at you, even if you met the first night and/or you feel like you don't deserve it and/or you feel like a lady should and/or would make you wait, do yourself a favor and stop thinking and let her do her thing with you. She doesn't have low self-esteem and she is not doing it to try to trap you or get your attention. You stimulated her correctly and her carpels finally want to open up. You can call her or me a hoe if you want to. Its only because of the intellect you lack and are unable to share with her. Thank you and good night. It's time to go lay next to Mr. Wonderful.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Monogamy- the other white meat

Having sex is not bad. Having sex with a lot of people is not bad- if you protect yourself every time. Having sex and not giving a fuck raises concern for me. There was a time in my life I wanted to experience different things with different people- sexually. I had a ball- most of the time. There were times where it was an unfortunate experience. However, I took control of my sex life and lived it the way I intended and desired. Many "experts" would say that promiscuity is associated with low self-esteem and other mental issues. Some would say that promiscuity is a mental illness. I don't know. I thought back to those days where I really didn't give a fuck and was confident in how I felt. It wasn't because I had low self-esteem or had a bad childhood- I wasn't the type to give anything or anyone that type of power. I wasn't looking for a relationship, even though there were a few who I thought was worth becoming monogamous for. I was off the chain! Some guys that I had encounters with told me they felt like a piece of meat or that they were being treated like my bitch. Hehehe . I fucked when I felt like it. I was single so I had no one to answer to. I had a ball! The seduction... the flirting... the eye contact... the shit talking... Hell yeah... Sometimes I was the dominant one... Okay, most of the time. At one point I was in a mindset where "I would fuck you before you fuck me." In other words, I was going to turn you out and not allow myself to become dick-mitized. I had become dick-mitized at one point and that dick hurt me- even cheated on me (bastard). After that, I just said "fuck it." Boy, did I fuck it. I was going to be top dog- not top bitch- TOP DOG. I was never called a bitch, but I was constantly reminded how much of an asshole I was. As long as it was understood that I was an asshole, you're "situation" with me will be just fine. I couldn't say I was promiscuous because I was really picky with who I fucked with. I have been pissy drunk still telling guys who were trying to get at me to go kill themselves. I wasn't loose, I just got it when I wanted it. There are guys right now that still remember what I did to them . I wasn't a maneater, just a woman who "thought like a man" I guess, or so I was told. When I decided I wanted to have a meaningful relationship, it was because I was tired of using guys as a cheap sex toy that I didn't feel like buying. Also, I was tired of being just a piece of ass. I missed being in love with someone and being a feminine compliment in their world. Some people were asking me why would I want a relationship with all the bullshit that comes with it. Bullshit in a relationship is not a relationship in my world. Some people continuously knock monogamy because they believe that it is not natural. Of course, if you don't believe that monogamy is natural it's because you are naturally a polygamist, so I would assume. I am naturally me. Being who I am I like being with one person. I enjoy having sex with the one person I am with. It's not because I want to be a good girl or trying to be his wife. It's not because I have a problem with having multiple partners. I enjoy having one on one attention with one person. I enjoy spending most of my time with one man. I enjoy the intimacy I have with one man. I have nothing against promiscuity done responsibly. I have nothing against polyamory. I have something against people that want to be against what I am simply because it is not their truth. I have a problem with people that want to challenge monogamy simply because "it is tradition." If you are comfortable with the way you live, you have no reason to defend it or argue it. If it works it will continue to work. There are gay couples that I have met that have been together 50 years or more. They were together at a time that being gay was unheard of in the public. They were together during a time when being gay made you a sissy. They never had or chose to fight. They never argued. They kept their peace. They remained in love and maintained a very controversial love affair and monogamous partnership for longer than most straight marriages. They were also monogamous. Fuck who you fuck. Be who you are. If you are a slut, be proud. If you are monogamous, be monogamous. Don't be monogamous when you know you're a hoe. Don't marry a monogamous person if you are a swinger. Find someone that is compatible with you. Most importantly, be true to yourself. I am being true right now, and it happens to be true to one man.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

From Sexual Fear to Sexual Healing...

I have been in deep thought lately. Sex is part of life. Why is it considered an "alternative lifestyle." Your sexual experience is just as important as every other area of your life. Yet due to the diverse interpretations and experiences people have sexually, it just seems that people feel it is safer to make it a taboo. Well... tonight I had an awesome experience! It had nothing to do with quantity. It was all quality. Sex is one of the most powerful healing forces in the universe. It will make a grown man cry. It will make a grown woman let loose. What is wrong with allowing it to set you free? We look for God to set us free from the laying of hands at our religious institutions but not through the touch of our partner(s). Perhaps God meant our healing to come through his stroke or her caress. Perhaps Divine Mind meant for our healing to come through lit candles, chocolate, massage oil, and maybe even silk sheets. It's hard to see it that way. Why? Because after we've had the sexual experience, many of us get burned. Some of us contract a sexually transmitted infection. Some of us have contracted HIV. Some of us get pregnant unexpectedly or, worse, forcefully. Some of our first experiences was not pleasant. You may have been raped, molested, prostituted, or had some sort of a painful experience. Some of you are afraid to have sex altogether. Lately, there has been more awareness about many different sexual disorders that are so rare and so serious they have yet to name them. Let's face it- sex is not what it used to be. Or has it always been the same only it used to just be hidden or brushed under a rug. The common denominator I've noticed and experienced is fear. There is a fear factor for sex. Interestingly, many of us continue to be irresponsible in our behavior and patterns. We don't use condoms and use a second form of birth control- out of fear. I went to Walmart tonight with my "friend" to buy a box of condoms- we were out. He was tired from drinking a couple of beers so I told him I would go in. As I was nonchalantly standing in line with the condoms I struck up a conversation with the lady checking out a gay couple in front of me about a new Walmart that is supposed to be opening up soon. She was very polite and we even joked around about a few things. Then it was my turn to check out. As I placed the box on the belt I sensed that her whole persona changed. There was a level of discomfort coming from her being as she picked up the box of condoms- the only item I was buying- as I switched to the credit card machine and pay for them. She got quiet. She placed the box in a plastic bag gently like she was trying not to spill semen out of them. Then she wrapped the bag around the condoms as if she was trying to hide them from something or someone. I don't know- maybe she goes to Creflo's church. Maybe she had a bad sexual experience that she has not healed from. Maybe she thinks I'm a nasty hoe. At least we know one of us was practicing safe sex... and was not afraid. Why are we afraid of our sexual selves? Why are we embarrassed to buy condoms? Why are we uncomfortable standing next to someone purchasing what I life the $7 sex insurance pack (12 pack of condoms)? Why are we afraid of someone who is living with their mistakes? Why are we afraid of someone victimized by someone's sexual deviancy? Why are we afraid to even have sex period? Some say condoms are not guaranteed. Interestingly I never got pregnant or burnt from wearing them. Some say there's too much disease out there. Interestingly, you procrastinate with buying protection. Some say it's because of what they have to live with the rest of their life. Interestingly, there is support out their made specifically for you. Some say they're afraid of their performance. Interestingly, there really is no handbook on how to effectively have sex. Marriages lack intimacy and we have the nerve to block gays for having the right to marry. We abuse each other and wonder why we remain in hurt. We fear the very thing that was meant to not only continue life, but to also heal us. Togetherness, the real definition of sex, is the missing element in our human experience. Whether you are having intercourse or driving down the highway under the stars, enjoy your relationship(s), intimacy, and yourself. Intercourse is just one element of sexuality, but it is not only way to have a sexual experience. With this idea, we really are not afraid of sex. We are afraid of ourselves and each other. Stop being afraid. Just be. Be in peace and good health. Be healed. Be loved. Enjoy life with each other. Yes, you may have to live with the fact that what happened to you happened. Yes, it happened with your friend. Yes, it happened with a loved one. What is there to do? Be a victor! Be a champion! Be alive! Be in good health! Let nothing stop you from you pleasure... in living life as a whole. Be real and be honest about who you are. Most importantly, be. Have no fear because the universe has a way to bring about sexual healing in your life one way or another. Ok, I'm done ranting. Continue to support safe sex and let sexual healing be your testimony. Peace and blessings!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Not Giving A Fuck... Real Liberation

Prior to writing this blog I was in deep meditation listening to two of Deepak Chopra's projects- "The Secret of Healing: Meditations for Transformation and Higher Consciousness" and "The Secret of Love: Meditations for Attracting and Being in Love." I thought I only had it set to shuffle for "The Secret of Healing" only for "The Secret of Love" to sneak in to the playback on my Rhapsody. At first, when I noticed the mistake, I almost interrupted my meditation to correct the playback. Fortunately, I decided to allow the "mistake" to continue during my session. I am glad that I did!

The second and third track that surprised me during meditation was tracks on "The Secret of Love..." (Chopra, titled 'The Secret of Infatuation' and 'The Secret of Sexuality.' Now, I know I am late posting a blog for August, but I just couldn't figure out a post that would be great for the month. I had been going through so much for a while now and was meditating more often to try to regain some balance in my life. Listening to these tracks gave me a new sense of renewal in sexuality and with life itself.

What caught my attention is when the track for sexuality opened up with Dr. Chopra saying, "the secret of sexuality is the absence of guilt."

Ponder on that for a second.

________________________________________________________________

Now you may continue reading.

Many of us are infatuated with the physical aspect of sex and are only focused on intercourse. Sex, however, is not just intercourse. Sex is a creative energy. Sex is manifestation of your divine self expressed through erotic love. Sex is love. Sex is in everything. Sex IS everything. Yep, I said it. For so long, people say that sex and love are separate. Well, yeah- you can separate the two. We've been doing it anyway. Why? Because being vulnerable with the one you thought was the one only brought heartache and pain. Keeping love and sex separate is much easier on you emotionally.

...Or so you thought. Sex without love is pure ego manifesting as lasciviousness. I came to this conclusion because in reality if there is no love with sex, you're really only trying to bust a nut. There is nothing wrong with that, if that's all you want. The issue is that most people don't know how to differentiate between ego sex and making love, and some just don't know how to communicate to their partner or accept from their partner that this is "just sex."

I've had my share of experiences. I've been heartbroken and deceived. I've cried. After that, I allowed my ego to step in and had pure, unadulturated sex- as in fuck feelings, emotions, and just you as a person. All I wanted was the pleasure because I couldn't bare anymore pain. Give me some head and I give you some head then you fuck me real good and I'll fuck you real good and you or I go home. Sometimes it was almost a barter. Example: I let you fuck me. You spend the night for free so you can go to work and not be late tomorrow- just sleep on that side of the bed... or you can hold me, just leave when you say you were going to leave.

I slept with single men, attached men, and regretfully married men (oh, the humanity). Now, hold the tomatoes and stones. This is a testimony, not a tell all blog. Do I look like that Superhead chick?

If the attraction was there and the dick was right I was down. My mindset was fuck it. It started out as purely sexual freedom- meaning fuck who and when I pleased. It was cool at first, but as I get older it has only gotten old, boring, and counterproductive. I had to eventually be honest with myself and admit that I want to be in love.

I was allowing my painful experiences to dictate the type of sexual experiences and relationships that I had after because I only went for anything that would be easy and would leave when I was done with them. As cute as I thought I was, I was only becoming calloused- kind of like wearing those cute heels that hurt our feet yet we wonder how we got that hard, painful skin at the balls of our feet. You get what I'm saying.

I didn't feel guilty about my sexual experiences and for most of them I still have no guilt about them (most of them). I'm just at a place in my life where I am understanding that sexual freedom has nothing to do with the ability to fuck anyone at anytime. Sexual liberation is being free from the emotional attachment to experiences that have broken you.

I have been told that if I plan to teach, write, or counsel on sex then I need to experience all these different sexual experiences. Of course, the one's telling me this bullshit were people trying to experience me sexually in the way they want me. I don't do threesomes. I am not bisexual (unless I've had more than 5 drinks lol). I will never fuck another species (gross). I don't rape or molest children or any individual. What I do in my bedroom is pretty much my business with my lover, actually. Regardless, I have empowered and liberated myself through the release and forgiveness of my unfortunate past.

I've released my horrible and painful relationships, sexual abuse, physical and verbal abuse. It no longer serves any purpose in my life. I am no longer a victim. So now, when I am with my partner, I do not just fuck him and be done. I do not just put it on him to try to manipulate him. I do not mistreat him or act egotistical toward him. I give my all out of love and appreciation. I enjoy our pleasure out of our divinity and not out of hurt- not out of ego.

The guilt from my past no longer controls my sexuality. It has taught me how much stronger I really am, but it no longer dictates who my partners are and my experiences. Fear of commitment, fear of being hurt, and any other form of fear no longer determines the type of sex life I aspire to have. Love remains my guide.

Being in love has nothing to do with fairy tales. Being in love is being love- whatever that means to you. Love is who you are. So everything you give, do, act out, etc, is an expression of love. How are you really making love. Its not just intercourse. It is creating an atmosphere of liberation, acceptance, forgiveness, and healing.

Namaste.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

The Funk on Vaginal Odor


The Funk on Vaginal Odor
By Kitty Pride
            I was a little hesitant about writing on this topic because, well, it is embarrassing to discuss and damn near taboo. Naturally, this is something every woman and man will have to deal with in life and we might as well face it head on (why not? I’m an Aries woman who likes to face everything head on). Anything with an odor is going to make anyone awkward and I think it’s because our society has an obsession with odor. Of course we would, because who really wants to be around something or someone that stinks. And God forbid a woman’s va-jay-jay has that fishy odor that every woman dreads. Let’s face it- pussy will always have an odor and there’s nothing we can do about it. However, we must educate ourselves on what it is, where it comes from, and how we can minimize it.
As I get older, I have been noticing changes in my body’s chemical makeup. I sit and wonder why our mothers don’t talk to us about this subject only to realize they are just as embarrassed about their vaginal odor. We think it’s enough to just teach a girl how to shower and use lots of soap, but its more than that. In order to control our vaginas, ladies and gentleman, we need to get rid of the stigma against it. We allow it to limit our sexual activity because women become so uncomfortable with it and men just get distant (Vixamar, 2008). Even Biggie said he would turn like doorknobs. However, a healthy vagina will release a discreet odor at some point in life (Vixamar, 2008)- in fact it will more than once.
Now, I know some of you are shocked by that statement, but it’s true. Some of what will be dispelled out of your pussy will be foul. You will go to the doctor thinking it’s a sexually transmitted disease or a bacterial infection only for your doctor to say that you’re fine. Because you don’t believe your doctor, they write out a prescription for antibiotics anyway just in case (I know I have). But, ladies, the odor will be there whether it is noticeable by anyone else or not (Vixmar, 2008). It’s like that one frenemy that we hate but can’t get rid of because deep down inside you’re still friends for some sick reason.
So, what can cause vaginal odor? The same shit that the fellas like to see us wear or even smell like: tight clothing, douching, thongs (I know it does for me), certain chemicals in certain daily products we use like soaps and detergents (Vixamar, 2008). Even the foods we eat can cause vaginal odor. Contraceptives, weather, underwear- anything you can think of can throw your pH off and cause you to smell like fish, moth balls, or some other disgusting or awkward odor that can be as simple as a pH imbalance without infection. I know I can’t eat a lot of beef personally. I have talked with women who say they cannot eat potatoes or chicken because it messes up their body chemistry. Wearing pants too often causes issues for me as well. Some of these things are no brainers. But we act like we have the cleanest vagina. Apparently for some of us women, our boo boo is not the only thing that smells like roses in our world.
Now, yeast infections aside, shit happens… or in this case, vaginal odor does. So, now what should we do? You want to look, feel, and smell sexy, right? You want to please your man or at least find someone halfway decent that will be attracted to you. Some of you do everything from pour bleach in your bathwater to douching once a week (not good). Some go the natural, aternative route while others are at the doctor’s office once every two months to make sure you’re vagina gives the impression of being pure. With the possible causes listed what does this say about the female anatomy when it comes to the energy or the scent we give off?
Energetically, my observation is this: we give off what we absorb, we release what we receive, and we birth what is sown into us. Frankly, we should be asking ourselves what are we putting into our bodies and who and what are we allowing in there to set up residence. It could be the men we associate ourselves with. It could be the food we eat or what we drink. It could be the clothes we wear that our skin absorbs. Even the things we think is good for us is not. For instance, I recently learned that I cannot wear Avon bath products because it throws my pH off. Some women cannot use Dial soap or Victoria Secret products. It is really all about understanding yourself as a whole- knowing your body and your mind and knowing how to maintain it.
Have you noticed that your pH has changed since you’ve been with him/her? Now, I don’t know your significant other so judge at your own discretion, but question how they care for themselves too. If you are having sex you are receiving what they are giving you. Again, this is just a thought. If he/she is complaining about what’s going on downstairs and you have done everything from changing your diet and your soaps and there is still no change, then its time to look at their lifestyle to determine what you are absorbing into your vagina. If you are a lesbian and you use strap ons, are you cleaning them properly? If you are using toys period do you clean them after each use with the proper soaps. I know of a product that a friend of mine sells with Pure Romance that you should consider using. Here’s her link to her Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pureromancebynirvana
Are you having unprotected sex? What is that person’s lifestyle like? Did you know that condoms can cause certain odors and allergic reactions, especially latex? I know personally I need polyurethane condoms because I give an allergic reaction to latex. Do you have multiple partners or are you monogamous? Are you allergic to your partner’s sperm (yes, it can happen)? Be honest with yourself and how you are living. Perhaps a bath once a week will help keep your acidity levels in check or maybe you need to eat an apple a day (I encourage that anyway).
So, the bad news is that your vagina has a natural odor and there is no way you will be able to run and hide from it. The good news is you can do something about it to sustain it or to even alter it. Everyone knows about eating fruit everyday. My advice is to make sure that when you eat fruit to do it on an empty stomach. For many of you this would act as a laxative which is more of the reason why you should eat it on an empty stomach. There is a wall that seperates your vagina and your anus (gross!). Keeping your system clean will also keep your vagina clean and prevent bacterial infections from occurring.
Vegetables are another way to keep the vagina fresh. I’m not talking about anything from the can either. I’m talking about fresh or frozen and if not raw still crunchy. Complex carbs is necessary to keep healthy flora in your system and keep your rectum clean thus keeping your vagina fresh. Considering the vagina is self-cleansing, what is put in the body makes a world of a difference of what is excreted out of it. Even when I do feel like a steak or a burger, I at least eat steamed broccoli and/or salad with it instead of potatoes to ensure healthy and prompt digestion.
DO NOT DOUCHE! You’re vagina knows how to clean itself, but like I said earlier, make sure you put the right things in your body. Douching can cause more harm than good causing an imbalance in its acidity (Vixamar, 2008). The ingredients in a douche are not the best. I understand that when your period ends you want to get all you can out, but you must understand that it’s going to come out anyway- you don’t have to force it. Some of you can handle douching, which is fine, but most of us really can’t. Just a word of advice.
Some things are just simple to do. Seriously. I can do a whole article on alternative methods to keep your pootang fresh, but the truth of the matter is that it does not have to be that serious. For some of you douching may actually be the best thing for your body. I like to use Summer’s Eve soaps and sprays- my vagina loves it. I’ve even used honey in a bath (I love baths). It does not take a whole lot of money, just a change in lifestyle. However, do not be afraid or ashamed. Your body is your body and you should be proud of it. Interestingly, many animals are not this obsessed with odor. They keep themselves clean by licking themselves most of the time. Us humans have more perfumes, sprays and concoctions because we’d hate to have that embarrassing odor that cums out during sex or just by walking in the heat for that matter.
This is not just about self-care, but also self-esteem. You have no reason to live in shame. Your personal odor may be disagreeable to some, but not to others. Pheromones also come into play and in some cases you are just not going to be agreeable to everyone. Oh well. Some people just do not understand body chemistry when it comes to a woman’s body. It seems that a sweaty man is more acceptable and a woman is supposed to always smell like roses. Look, you are in a human body. As long as you are living and breathing there is going to be a disagreeable odor. Shower all you want, your breath is going to stink from time to time. Last time I check, even shit has a bad odor.
The vagina gives off an odor. Face the facts. It is what it is. Do what is necessary to take care of yourself to where you are comfortable with your vaginal pH and you can never go wrong no matter what that may entail. Love your vagina and love yourself. Leave no room for shame and you will never be shameful. Learn and understand your body. These are things that should be taught when given sex education, but apparently they are too embarrassed by talking about this. Meanwhile there’s that 15 year old girl in high school with a yeast infection and doesn’t know where that smell is coming from. All she knows is that she is constantly being picked on. Some of you reading this are adults and act the same way. Grow the fuck up. Support vaginal health and love your vagina as it is and the scent it gives will love you too. Sionara!

Resources
Vixamar, R. (2008). Vaginal odor causes and prevention. Disabled world towards tomorrow.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Dedicated to the Brian Banks- A Victim of an Insecure Female


Everyone enjoys sex. Everyone. There are some people that enjoy it so much that they will do what it takes to get it even if it means violating another individual. People will even use sex to be pacified based on their disagreements they have with a person. Recently, a young man had rape charges dropped because the accuser admitted on Facebook that it was a lie because she was mad at him. Brian Banks had a promising future that could have meant that he would play college football with one of the top teams and even possibly make it to the NFL. Although recent reports claim that he is being given a chance to tryout for professional football and attempt to start where he left off, I am still appalled that a young girl decided to make these accusations simply because she didn't like what he said to her. Rape is a serious offense that must be treated sensitively, however there must be action taken when people want to manipulate the system for petty reasoning.

It's bad enough that women are manipulative when it comes to sex. Women tend to hold sex over a man's head like holding a piece of meat over a pack a wolves. Sadly, in many cases, women know that they can get what they want from many men and men have become accustomed to this. Sex is a gift, not a reward. A lot of women will disagree with me on this, but it is time that we revamp and reconsider how we get what we expect from a man. Many of these men are innocent, and in some cases mean no harm at all. Not all of them are dogs. But to simply make accusations of this kind to get what you want makes it harder for good women to get the type of relationships and experiences they deserve from a good man who has been hurt and manipulated by these women.

Brian Banks was 16 years old, young, naive, and vulnerable. He was at an age where he was probably interested and curious about sex. The young lady was in the same boat. What made her do what she did? I don't think the multi-million dollar settlement she received from the school was something she was looking for. I think she was looking for attention- the attention that she wanted and desired from- and wanted things to be said and done her way. Well, no one deserves to be disrespected, but a line must be drawn somewhere. Battles must be chosen wisely.

So, I will say this once and for all: doing anything that can drastically alter and destroy a man's livelihood is never and never will be the answer. If he is that bad, simply leave him alone. I know its easier said than done, but there are repercussions for our actions too. The young lady will have to pay all the money back that she received from the school district as a result of her lying about being raped. What could possibly other consequences? The answer is dependent on your actions.

Some of you just get pregnant on purpose. Some of you slash tires, break windows, and destroy property. Some of you rob him. Some of you steal his identity and even destroy his credit rating.

Okay. So he beat you, cheated on you, gave you an STD, disrespected you, ruined your finances, etc. However, we have to take responsibility for our actions. Why are you staying with him? Why are you chasing him? Why are you not calling the police and reporting him? Why are you even associating yourself with this person?

I am also concerned with the fact that this happens often with Black Men, let alone all men. From a historical perspective, Black Men have been kidnapped, lynched, and murdered because of being falsely accused of rape (and I don't need a source for this one- everyone knows this). Yet, the woman that falsely accused Brians Banks is now a Black Women.

Listen ladies, we cannot get our way all the time! If we don't like how he speaks, acts, or treats us leave him alone. He may not be that into you in the first place yet you waste your time wondering why he acts the way he does. This planet is much bigger than the miniscule world you choose to live in. Expand your horizons. In fact, get a life- get your own life. In fact, get your life in order and focus on your own growth and development.

Sex, in particular, was not created to manipulate another individual. Sex was not created as a tool of power. Sex is used to empower and fulfill. Don't worry about the guy who manipulates you just to get some pussy and leave you alone (and I will write about that fool in a later article). Just remember one thing- if you have sex with him you chose to have sex with him. Choose wisely and consciously. Know who you are going to sleep with. Even if its a one night stand, understand it for what it is. You cannot make someone be something they are not and never will be even to you. He is human just like you. Have a fulfilled and pleasurable sex life. To do this requires that you take responsibility for your sex life and yourself.

If you are a victim of rape, it was never your fault to begin with. Just understand that you can have power over your sex life again. Don't let that horrible experience control your sex life. Get counseling. Meditate and pray. Forgive. Work toward your healing so you can move on and have a healthy sex life.

A great sex life reflects a great life in general. How you are outside the bedroom is how you will be inside the bedroom. Just because your pussy is tight does not mean anything. If you think your pussy was created to get a $1.2 million dollar settlement just by yelling rape then you have shortchanged yourself. You might as well be a prostitute- at least they are up front about what they want and are looking for (that's another blog).

So, the next time that guy pisses you off and you decide you want to destroy his life -or- you want to use sex as a way to get the things you desire from a man (engagement ring, car, money) do yourself a favor and don't do it unless you want the following to happen:

  1. You have to pay the money back.
  2. You get caught up in a lawsuit.
  3. You go to jail.
  4. You wind up in a marriage that is hopeless and unfulfilled because he really never loved you at that level.
  5. The things you do to him happens to you.
  6. You lose the respect that your community once had for you and is now lost.
Ladies- its time to grow up and be a woman, a real woman.

To Brian Banks- good luck to you in life. I hope the best for you. I am sorry for the ignorance of one young lady. Do not let that one incident keep you from your happiness.

Until the next blog, remember that safe sex is always great sex- and that's in and outside the bedroom.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Mis-education of Pornography


Today pornography is a billion dollar industry with over 72 million people that visit pornographic sites on the internet every month (www.familysafemedia.com, 2003). Even hundreds of years ago some of the first sexually explicit art images were found in art galleries in Pompeii (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Bailey, Williams, & Varma, 1999). However, they were never offended by the paintings because it was considered a work of art. Regardless of historical factors, modern antagonists claim that pornography affects values in popular media because of its lewd content and want it to be outlawed and banned for good. What exactly are the values that are being threatened by this genre of entertainment and are these values really at risk of being compromised? Is mainstream media really being compromised by pornography or is it a direct reflection of the society that airs it?
While reading academic journals and watching educational documentaries on the topic, I have found that the opponents of pornography based their views on sexual preference and societal norms rather than research and optimism. According to Urie Bronfenbrenner and his Ecological Theory (1979), neighborhoods are in part products of the culture in which they exist (Witt & Mossler, 2010). Evidence has been found that even the very definition and boundaries of pornography varied from culture to culture. According to documented research, cultures, societies and/or specific jurisdictions affect the values of popular media and not pornography because sexual values and morals are created and determined by society itself. For this series on pornography, I will address the historical, psychological, and societal aspects and even present a perspective that shows how the genre is harmless and can be beneficial.
Pornography in Fine Art with the Romans and the Victorians
Moreover, in 1857, pornography was first featured in an English medical dictionary as the Greek word, pornographos, to describe the hygienic conditions of prostitutes of that time (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Bailey, Williams, & Varma, 1999). Prior to this time there was no word to describe the erotic images that was at that time painted. It was simply art and its effectiveness to capture the audience was determined by the views of society. I have further researched this fact with historical occurrences with the Victorians and the Romans.
Research unveiled that the Victorians launched a campaign against obscenity around the time that pornographos was included in the English medical dictionary. Since there was now a word to describe sexually explicit art, it opened the door to create censorship and the Victorians legally made pornography as obscene and offensive for public viewing. As a result, “Obscenity Publications Act” (1857) was passed by Parliament (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Williams, & Varma, 1999). This act outlawed all forms of sexually explicit material and essentially caused the art to be locked away from public viewing.
Alison Smith (1999) talks about how the Obscene Publications Act (1857) in the English documentary “Pornography: The Secret History of Civilisation” (1999). Smith explains that in Victorian society in the mid-1800s pornography was created in fear that men would become effeminate, addicted to the images, and that the men would constantly masturbate. This is a legal structure that is still in effect today. These examples are what the researcher used to develop the claim that the controversy surrounding pornography is mainly about sexual morality as viewed by the particular society with specific beliefs.
Art historian Edward Lucie-Smith (1999) believes that the legislation with the Obscene Publications Act (1857) was created to ban looking at pornographic works in England because Parliament did not want it to get out into the public. In fact, I have notes that the Victorians at the time felt that the art work should not be made public for women, children and the working class to see simply because they wanted to keep them from seeing it (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Bailey, Williams, & Varma, 1999). The wealthy and educated were the only people in Victorian society that had access to erotic art work until the printing press was created in the mid-1500s (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Bailey, Williams, & Varma, 1999).
Prior to the creation of the Obscene Publications Act (1857) pornography was erotic art that entertained its viewers. In retrospect, Lucie-Smith (1999, ep.2) mentions, “We now fail to recognize the taboo elements of classical imagery because we are blinded by its status as high art.” Ms. Jones completely agrees with Lucie-Smith's point because of the fact that before it was called pornography these sexually explicit paintings were artistic masterpieces regardless of the sexual scenes displayed.
Even though many of the sexual acts painted were taboo in Roman culture, they appreciated pornographic images as art. I have learned that the Romans considered the sexually explicit images to be comical because most of the scenes in the pictures were considered sexual taboo at that time (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Bailey, Williams, & Varma, 1999). Although fellatio and cunnilingus was featured in many of the paintings, these sexual acts were considered taboo by the Romans (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Bailey, Williams, & Varma, 1999). They believed the mouth was strictly oratory and that oral sex was only done by a prostitute (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Bailey, Williams, & Varma, 1999).
Again, with these facts, I stresses that pornography was defined according to a society's values. Both cultures were not sexually repressed, but they were opposite when it came to how pornography would be incorporated within their respective societies. While Rome allowed public viewing of pornographic art, they also had very strict laws on what were acceptable forms of sexual behavior (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Bailey, Williams, & Varma, 1999). On the other hand, the Victorians were outraged with the public viewing of pornographic art even though it was available to be viewed in prayer books by the elite of their society (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Bailey, Williams, & Varma, 1999).
The Ecological Theory (Bronfenbrenner, 1979) describes how the people in a particular society or culture are the determines its values and morals, even in popular media. The research has proved that the Victorians and the Romans, who are two different cultures, historically had opposing views on pornographic art and how it could be displayed. The Ecological Theory (Bronfenbrenner, 1979) is an example of such opposing views determined by morals & values society creates. What the Victorians considered obscene for public display the Romans appreciated it as a work of art in public spaces. Additionally, while pornography has been a source of entertainment and even religious rituals for thousands of years, I have based my claim from researching the Victorians and the Romans that the people, not pornography, determine values in popular media and has been since the beginning of civilization. Research further supports this claim with modern pornography from the late nineteenth, twentieth and twenty-first centuries.
Modern Pornography
After watching “Taboo: The Beginning Of Erotic Cinema” (2004), it amazed me to learn that a group of filmmakers in the United States formed a board that created the Production Code (1947) regulating the nature of films. Sexually explicit scenes, erotic kissing, violence and cussing were prohibited in American films. Consequently, early American porn only featured women strip teasing and exposing their breasts. The most explicit American pornographic cinema included sadomasochism between 2 or more women while maintaining the standards set by The Production Code and lasted until the 1970s.
Alternatively, the French, who are the originators of motion picture, also are the originators of modern pornographic cinema and filmed very sexually explicit scenes in there movies (Pugliese & Christopher, 2004). In fact, compared the content of twenty-first century pornographic videos and online websites to French pornographic cinema of the 1920s and found it almost identical. According to research, the French seemed to have been ahead of their time considering they featured a strap on (like a sex toy), threesomes, homosexual activity and many other forms of sexual expression found in modern pornography.
Research further shows that under the Nixon Administration the United States Senate in the 1970s claimed that pornography is not the problem, but the views of the people are (Pugliese & Christopher, 2004). Prior to this, as already mentioned, American pornography only featured women strip teasing only to her breasts, burlesque performances, and sadomasochism performed by 2 or more women and no men. With the creation of the Production Code (1947) sex, full nudity, cussing and violence were legally banned from cinema. After the U.S. Senate made its claim in 1970, American pornographic cinema was finally on the same level as France began almost one-hundred years prior. It is fully supports the claim made by the U.S. Senate and even points out that based on her research that this is proof that the people decide the values and not the genre.
I did further research by reading the article “The Geography of Pornography: Neighborhood Feminism and the Battle against Dirty Bookstores in Minneapolis” (Hickey, 2011) for a modern perspective. The article focuses on how feminists and neighbors rallied to oust a pornographic bookstore out of the neighborhood (Hickey, 2011). It mentions how feminists believed that having a bookstore of this nature violated women's rights (Hickey, 2011). Many women and the neighbors in this particular South Minneapolis neighborhood (which happens to be across the river from my hometown) had a stigma against pornography because of moral reasons they shared. In 1979, a group of women stood inside the store to protest against it and to view the men that visited and shopped for magazines (Hickey, 2011). Reading this article, it is also noted that this outraged the community because it was against their moral values.
The pornographic bookstore in the article was simply a nuisance to the neighborhood because it sold “dirty magazines” that the residents simply did not want it there (Hickey, 2011). Furthermore, the article mentions that the people had the right to protest, but the reasons for pornography being a threat to women's rights were not made certain. After studying this article, I referred back to the claim that the people decide what is moral even in popular media. This bookstore had the right to exist, but faced opposition because the community’s values were in disagreement with it.
My Opinion
In my opinion, I am still trying to understand how pornography is a threat to women’s rights and even any given neighborhood. The last time I checked, regardless of intention, there are women in most of these movies and I am sure they chose to do it. Also, men, whether married or not, are going to choose to do this for one reason or another. The actors and actresses in these movies have the right to choose to be a porn star. I would have thought that the Feminist community would rally around women who choose to express their sexual selves through this medium and support them. Additionally, in regards to the neighborhood porn shop, considering the high divorce rates in our society, it makes me wonder if anyone has thought about utilizing the products they sell to spice up their love life. The only thing about pornography that I disagree with is that safe sex is not practiced which puts people at risk of disease both in and out of the industry. However, people have the right to participate or watch.
With the opposition against pornography, it makes me wonder if people have thought that pornography is a form of voyeurism considering that you are watching people having sex. Some people are turned on by watching others have sex. The only harm that this causes is based on the insecurities of those who disagree with this. I often hear from those who oppose porn that there is no reason to watch or for their partner to watch because they should be the only object of affection. I’m sorry. I hate to break the news, but your partner has attraction to other people and things. Have you thought about watching with your partner? I know some of you think that its gross to watch and I can respect that. However, when you’re behind closed doors having sex do you think what you are doing is disgusting as well? Maybe before we fight something we don’t understand lets attempt to open our minds to understand what it really is- voyeurism. Considering that this society is slowly but surely opening up to sexuality in a broader scope, I am sure that there will be more opportunities for us to revamp what is considered a "norm" and as absolutely horrible (like rape and pedophilia).
Climax
Even though there was no such word prior to 1857, pornography dates back to early civilization with paintings and even hieroglyphics (Bailey, Barbato, Rodley, Bailey, Williams, & Varma, 1999). Regardless of how it began, the views of every specific culture and society determine what is considered pornographic and inappropriate regardless of the historical period as I have researched. Even the Ecological Theory (Bronfenbrenner, 1979) supports that all values are determined by the macrosystem or society that you live in. Furthermore, based on data collected, I conclude that the ideas of pornography in society and media are based on the sexual preferences that a particular society, culture, religion and/or a particular jurisdiction creates for itself. Society and even the jurisdiction that smaller groups live in determines what is moral and appropriate to be seen in popular media and not the other way around.

References
Bailey, F., & Barbato, R. (Producers), & Rodley, C., Bailey, F., Williams, K., & Varma, D. (Directors). (1999). Pornography: A secret history of civilisation [Television series]. London, United Kingdom: Channel 4 Television.
Family Safe Media. (1998-2011). Pornography statistics. Retrieved from                http://www.familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html
Hickey, G. (2011). "The geography of pornography: neighborhood feminism and the battle against "dirty bookstores" in Minneapolis." Frontiers: A Journal Of Women's Studies, 32(1), 125-151. Retrieved from            http://muse.jhu.edu/journals/frontiers/v032/32.1.hickey.html

Pugliese, D.J. (Producer), Christopher, B. (Director). (9 November 2004). Taboo: the beginning of erotic cinema (Documentary). Hollywood, California: Passport International Entertainment.

Witt, G.A. & Mossler, R.A. (2010). Adult development and life assessment. Retrieved from               https://content.ashford.edu/books/AUPSY202.10.2/sections/sec2.8